"mythology"

Breaking the silence.

2012-01-27T00:37:00.000-08:00

Hello, followers.

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Ever since I started a new blog; I abandoned this treasure of mine, but I guess some things can be said here, some can't. Fair enough, isn't it? Somehow reading all the posts and comments I have here hurts me in so many ways, but it also proves many things, I'm such a big girl now; and how I've matured in terms of writing and thinking at the same time. I swear to God I shall post more things, though no one reads them anymore; be it as my own private place to write stories and those intimate moments to me :)

Goodnight. I am in the middle of writing some old stuff; though it is a bit twisted =.=

Take care everyone.

P/s: I miss you. Hope you know that, though you never read my posts

pulang.

2010-05-08T02:18:00.000-07:00

kadang-kadang rasa macam nak menangis,duk dalam bilik sorang-sorang and tanak keluar and hadapi reality.tapi tak mungkin kan?

kadang-kadang penat dengan hidup,penat dengan love-life,bosan dengan kerja banyak and bosan dengan belajar.kadang-kadang rasa macam nak lari ke alam lain,tanak asyik fikir and fikir and fikir memanjang.otak ni sudah penat.tapi memang tak boleh kan?

tolonglah faham,masa oi.tolong lah faham.tolonglah cepat.

alia nak balik,pulang ke Malaysia;tanak datang sini dah.terlalu penat dengn life kat sini.

:(

2010-04-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

i miss home.i miss malaysia.i HATE IT HERE.i HATE IT.

for the first time in my life,im regretting EVER WANTING TO GO STUDY abroad.i hate this place,i hate the fact that im lonely and that everyone else have cool friends.i hate the fact that my boyfriend doesnt care about me.i hate the fact that he doesnt want me to know people here and that he wants to be the popular one,the one everyone knows.i hate the fact that im here because of him.most importantly,i hate this place because he's changed.

he's not the guy i used to know.he doesnt need me the way i need him.

he's constantly taking me for granted and i am overall stressed out cause of him.i dont wanna do this anymore.

oh sweet lord PLEASE take me back home,to the place where my loving family and my loyal friends are.the place where my comfort zone is always present and that everyone will catch me when i fall;where i know that i shall never cry alone.

i hate this place.its a living hell hole :((

always.

2009-12-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

i love this song,but at the moment it isnt what i feel.

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real

So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always

I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying

Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Come on let me hold you touch you feel you
Always
Kiss you taste you all night
Always
Always
Always

whats the rush?

2009-12-10T20:35:00.001-08:00

i dont understand how people search for so-called love.

its crazy.how do u actually find love?
u cant really FIND it.
it just happens.

to people who INSIST on looking for it,i have to just ask WHY?
it only makes u feel sad and somehow the pain is GREATER than the happy times.

like now.
and the way its always been.

its painful.

when he's sad,u have to comfort him.
when he's down,u have to pick him up.
when he cries,u have to help him stop.

but what if u were the one going through all that?

i doubt that he'll tell u everything is going to be alright.
and it hurts even more when he leaves u to cry all alone the entire night,while he sleeps soundly till dawn breaks.

id rather live alone than feel all those feelings piercing through my veins

**let it go,let it go.**

~benci bila dia buat macam tu.!

:(

why?

2009-11-20T08:43:00.000-08:00

at times,i feel that being in love is the best feeling in the whole wide world.

at times,i feel like love is overrated,and that it hurts more than it soothes.

i dont know.maybe the situations are different.

at this very moment,i cant feel my heart beating.i feel numb all over.am i too imperfect for anyone?why is it that everytime we fight,ill always be the one to be blamed,to always be the one who would cause problems?why?

i know.im not destined to be loved by anyone.

not even him.

**sigh**.

here we go again.

another lonely holiday with nothing more than sleepless nights and tears to give warmth to the broken heart.

i so give up.
i know he has given up on us.

maybe this is how its supposed to be.
i shouldve seen it coming.

happy endings are not real.
so i have been living in denial since forever then. :(

its so painful.i wished id never fallen in love from the start;to have never felt the pleasure of having someone take care of ur heart only to feel him break it to million pieces;making a huge mess out of everything.

picking every piece of it is hard enough,let alone trying to complete the puzzle that can never be once again perfect.

gosh.
i never knew it could get in too deep.
i never knew it could hurt this hard.
i never knew it could make u cry this much.

now?
i have to toughen up,stop hoping and move on.

how is that possible when ive done so many things with him?
how is that possible when we've shared so many memories together?memories that can never be re-lived again with anyone else but him?with feelings so right and the whole day so perfect,u just wouldnt want the day to end?how?HOW?

i hate this feeling.its been ages since i last felt this way.

so yeah.

here we go again.

but this time,its the last time.

if it ends,then it ends.

i can only cry and try to move on with my life.

disco lights,high-heels and prada clutches.

2009-11-19T21:39:00.000-08:00

lets PARTAYYYY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

finally done

2009-11-19T21:26:00.002-08:00

sukanya exam sudah habis!

now kena risau pasal results pula.

smile for me

2009-09-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

this was back in july 08,when we were nothing more than just strangers to each other.

to THIS,so very NOW-ish

at times,ur like a pain in the arse.NO!THE PAIN in the arse.and the neck.and EVERYWHERE else.

at times,ur like the friend ive never had,the person i could talk to when no other human being understands my situation.

but ur EVERYTIME my one and only.

=)

i cant wait for tomorrow.

CHEMISTRY AND MATHEMATICS;im gonna start doing EVERYTHING.

i feel so motivated,and im in love with everything now.

the clouds are now gone,and the tears are all now gone.

God,please just let me be now;please just bless my life with happiness;erase my grudges and my pain.

please do.

i dont want to hurt you anymore;neither do i wanna get bruised by you.

i heart you in the picture.

but come to think about it,

i LOVE you so VERY much.

and CHEMISTRY.and cikgu azmi =)
and math;cikgu salizah
and PHYSICS;cikgu harlina.

help me

2009-09-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

this is a cry for help.im going through a very bad time now.my mom doesnt understand.my boyfriend does not understand.my friends are all being drama queens and friggin bitches.my body is betraying me.my mind is not functioning.im not progressing.i need help.i need more than just help.i need so much more than everything.time is running out.im already left out behind.how am i supposed to get back up when ive fallen so deep?i need to talk to someone but who to?im trying to move on but something is holding me back.please help.i just cant get back up.ive lost hope.im having doubts about myself.i cant do so many things.i cant progress.i cant.i need help.i need so much of it.so so much of it.

2009-08-24T00:31:00.000-07:00

love is PAINFUL.

screw love!

i dont wanna believe in it anymore.

its all a lie.

everyone.
everything.

pathetic

2009-08-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

people really are mean.life is a bitch,i know.but sometimes its too much.people i know in this lifetime are nothing more than fakes and rather self-centred,not to mention very conceited with materials and titles.

It has been a while since i felt very much welcomed to someone's home.people around me treat me like im not any better,like i dont belong here.

There's a person in this place who underestimates the masses.she thinks that she is the only one who is right.well.i just really hope she knows what she is doing.god is fair.and he will always be kind.

rasa bodoh.

2009-08-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

i feel like a dumb bimbo.i hate my life.benci!

fiery fiery!

2009-08-07T05:05:00.000-07:00

Seriously.i mean SERIOUSLY,are people THAT blind these days?

I thought we have contact lenses and specs and EVEN LASER SURGERY for the comfort of correcting our vision,but this is totally,utterly, RIDICULOUS.

Talk about technology and STILL being brainless.

**sigh**

Well.before i start saying anything more,i would like to MAKE IT VERY CLEAR that these opinions are STRICTLY my own and does not have anything to do with any party(OKAY maybe a bit to a certain party :P) and is not meant for anyone who DO NOT UNDERSTAND VERY BASIC ENGLISH.

Thank you for NOT READING ANYMORE.if u insist on reading,then fine.but dont u FREAKING DARE sue me;cause i can sue u back.at a much higher price,mind u. =)

OKAY,back to business homo sapiens.

Right now at this very moment,im trying very very hard to carve my sentences so that they do not sound as if im trying to pinpoint any SPECIFIC human being(though i am kinda trying to make this blog post A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL).

Let’s see.

1)i just dont get how people can just push away everything that used to mean so much just for the sake of love.i know and i have experienced love so powerful that if u could actually see its existence physically,it could REALLY move mountains and slice all sevens seas to half,BUT giving up even the most precious things in life just for some complete stranger u have only known for a very short period of time is ACTUALLY OKAY?let me tell u something.i have known a person for like 11years,and ill be VERY FRANK with the fact that i STILL DONT KNOW WHAT KIND OF A PERSON HE REALLY IS,let alone knowing a person for a mere few years.

what are u trying to prove?

Other things that u do:

2)u push away ur values and ur dreams for some random person who happens to have the looks and the hots for u.are u like REALLY sure he has the hots for u BECAUSE of ur personality and not ur MONEY?how sure are u that if u REALLY end up with him ull actually be OKAY?dont u want to at least ponder and have a little sense of consideration and think of what ur about to do?oh wait.right.cause u THINK UR THE ONLY ONE WHO’S RIGHT.

Not only that,u also:

3)u’d rather just say he’s the one instead of trying to find others who are not just hot but also at parr with u?what kind of person are u?u accept that u are fated to be with each other just because he says so?how THICK can u be?

4)u think that ur the one who needs FULL attention from everyone and ur not considering anyone else’s feelings.

in fact,u dont feel even the slightest feeling of guilt towards ur loved ones for ignoring them and not wanting to talk to them about this other person or even have the decency to ask how the presence of this particualr person have brought such a huge impact on them.

Are u LIKE THINKING STRAIGHT?this is not a fairy-tale where u can just pick, mix and match cinderella’s happy ending with sleeping beauty’s romantic ending!this is what its being called:

REALITY.

Yes.a little place where everyone lives and apparently ur not the only living organism(just to remind u).

*sigh*

I thought u had it there for u,just for a little bit.

I thought u had a bright future ahead of u.though i despise u and i strongly dislike u,ive never thought that it would actually come up to here.ur not the person i thought u were after all.

U pushed away everything that were actually happiness IN REALITY.

U pushed away ur soul.ur heart.ur dignity.ur values.

And most importantly,u have pushed away the most basic feeling a person can ever have.

And that is the comfort and warmth of love of a family;a love that may never be replaced by any other sort of love because family will always remain family.forever.no matter how ur surnames are being erased from ur birth certificate.regardless of how anyone pulled u apart,u will always remain forever as a family.

Oh,boy.i REALLY hope he’s worth it.cause if he isnt,ull regret u made this decision for the rest of ur life.

PERIOD.

reason

2009-08-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

ive finally found all the reasons why i made that decision long long time ago.

Cant believe that just by getting to know a guy can actually change my perspective and principles of my life.how pathetic can i ever get.?whatever.probably iM going crazy or maybe god has other plans for me.im really not sure.

I swear that i will never let another person change me.or my view on things.never ever will i give any supreme authority to anyone else but myself.call me stupid,call me stubborn.i am not.i am complicated.i am different.i am unique.i am accuracy.i am precision,in my own world.and you cant do anything to stop me.

I forgot my roots.i threw away the love i have developed for my soul,the trust i have helped my heart find.and just for some vivid stranger,i let everything go down the drain.i guess i am just human.i forgot to love myself now.i forgot to cherish myself now.maybe falling in love is a big mistake after all.maybe everyone else was right.maybe life is a huge lie,and maybe love is a huge and utter excuse for wimps.life is nothing but a torture,a meer test just to see how far a person could actually go,and eventually wilt in the end.

Life is a bitch.everyone knows that.the problem is,no one dares to confront their true feelings.no one dares to look at life with their two eyes and tell it to stop making everything shitty and start making something work for once.

Im tired of living a life where i have to think of what and how others would feel if i did this or i did that.i need a life too.for the time-being, i think i should sleep and wake up when disgust and pain finally decide to move away and that life is just what my dictionary says it is.

Tak suka

2009-07-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

Saya benci orang yang sombong.angkuh.dan perasan boyfriend dia hot sangay.benci.

:(

2009-06-18T10:21:00.001-07:00

saya rindu awak.mana awak?

:(

day ONE

2009-06-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

i slept really late last night.i wasnt sleepy;a surprising effect since i cried my eyeballs out.then i would wake up every half-hour;only to look at my phone and cry some more.no calls.no text messages from him.

**sigh**

ive never been apart from him.
two weeks will really suck the life out of me.

i woke up at 7.30a.m.i tossed and turned and when i finally found out that i COULDNT get back to sleep,i got up and ran down to the kitchen;the smell of the morning sunlight greeted me immediately.

even being around this house reminded me of him.
how he enjoyed being in my house.how he would call my house "something REALLY ugly" from the outside and a huge 'WOW' when he got inside.

i am miserable.very much.all i did yesterday was cry my eyes out and screamed.i felt so lonely.how am i supposed to get through 2weeks?

two weeks isnt SHORT.i am strong,but i am not when he isnt around.

**sigh**

i wonder what he is doing now.i think he's sleeping.its 3am over there i think.or maybe about 4.or maybe he's praying.

i dont know.

i miss him.so much.it hurts.

:(

2009-06-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

i will not give in to my tears,

i will not give in to my sorrow,

i will not give in to my fears,

i will not give in to my loneliness.

go,
and have a blast.

i will never let go of the bond we have.

i promise that ill wait,
even if i have to cry for thousands of nights.

i promise that i will miss u
i swear that i will love u.

take care of urself,beautiful.

he's going away.

2009-06-15T04:56:00.001-07:00

I DONT LIKE IT.

TWO WEEKS.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS?

SIT HOME AND NIT?

:(

i DONT LIKE U

I DONT.

:(:(:(:(:(

by the way,jara WAS FANTASTIC!

2009-06-04T19:57:00.001-07:00

waking up to nothing more than messages from maxis and celcom will soon drive me crazy.

i cried my eyes out last night.i found comfort and warmth from just hugging the album he gave me for my 19th birthday.i wanted to call him but i couldnt get through.
i went out with syaza last night,and we sat at the basketball court,just me and her.we stared at the dark sky and i sang.i sang stupid old love songs that didnt do much good to me;that kept reminding me of him;that were songs i used to sing to him before i go to sleep.*sigh* so much for trying to 'let it out'.

everyone seems happy now.i know everyone is.am i the only one suffering at the moment?
ive been thinking and imagining how hard my life will be later in life.maybe a heartache isnt really THAT bad?come to think of it,whats even harder than a heartache?

i havent studied for my exams next week.i havent found peace of mind.i havent found out EXACTLY why i have been crying all night.

why is this all happening to me NOW?

in a few days time,we'll finish our 2nd term here.then a few days later,he'll fly off.he's excited about going.i dont know.my little mind says that he's excited about leaving me here all alone.(but u know how my mind works)

two weeks and ill die.
two weeks and ill go.
two weeks.

two weeks.

**another snack for the broken-hearted**

2009-06-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

ur supposed to take my pain away,
but u make me cry even more.

my tears dont mean anything to u now,
and u make me feel sick about myself.

when i look in the mirror,
i am ashamed when i see me.

i am pathetic.

and its all because of u!

u make me feel bad about myself.

u make me feel shitty about us.

make me feel guilty about writing this blog post.

but DONT U EVER make me feel like i am not a person,an individual.

DONT U DARE.

**another feast for the broken-hearted**

me :(

2009-06-04T03:57:00.000-07:00

im hungry for love.
hungry for attention.
and hungry for comfort and warmth.

yet,
im full already.
full with the bile juices that ooze up in my tummy.
full with ever-flowing acid that never stops corroding my heart.
and full with wounds that may never stop bleeding.

:(

help.
this IS a cry for help.

i finally realise that i FEEL depressed.

=)

2009-06-02T04:58:00.000-07:00

its good to see that my friends are all happy.well,ALMOST all of them.

having half way finishing my advance subsidiary exams,ive already started planning how my hols should be spent.

1)shopping with syakir+ibu next thursday for new clothes,and a new swimsuit.

2)go to tanjung jara with the family MINUS afiq.
(daddy says he cant miss his classes yet)

3)have A BLAST at tanjung jara.go snorkelling.island hoping.fishing.(if i get lucky just maybe,MAYBE daddy will allow me to try their scuba diving courses-but that can ONLY HAPPEN when he is in a really GOOD mood)

4)cry my eyes out once he's gone off to mecca.DIE DIE DIE :(

5)study a2 for at LEAST abit.

6)meet up with the old ttdi clan.its been AGES since we all last met.

7)go back to college with a hole in my heart and try VERY VERY hard to study.

8)FINALLY PLAN bora asmara.lets just hope that its gonna be perfect (=

lets hope for the best.

bora bora bora.

:P

bitching AGAIN.

2009-06-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

the only reason why i blog now,especially NOW,is to bitch about how i dont get attention from my boyfriend,or how my exams were like CRAP.

its either that,or me crapping about why i think im the next MALAYSIA'S plus-size model.

take ur pick.

but whatever.
my life has changed alot since the exams.ive been spending my money like my parents own Petronas.ive been having non-stop cravings for manggis(of ALL things) and sushi.ive been having lots of rows with my mr right and....

i havent been myself lately.

im not the kind of person who doesnt give my boyfriend space.but why am i like this?

im not the kind of person who doesnt study at all before entering the exams hall.but why am i like this?

im tired with my life.help me.

my soul is trapped.

saya dah penat dengan hidup.boleh tak nak give up aja?

give up dengan love.give up dengan belajar.

doa pagi esok saya dah jadi seekor ular sawa.cantik and kerja saya makan minum tidur.senang hati.

GWE UDAH CAPEKKK ma hidupp gweeeeeeeee!

when my cries dont even get to u,then what does?
when my tears cant even cool ur fiery anger,then what will?
when my smile cant soothe ur soul,what will?

i love u more than i love the rain.

but what is left when the rain is gone?

this shit really doesnt make sense.

pure sheer stupidity.

2009-04-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

lets just say muslims in malaysia are weird and funny.

not all,really.

saya sedang sangat marah dengan seorang ustaz di sebuah kolej.

kebodohannya sangatlah terserlah.

adakah dengan memakai tudung itu dapat mengubah perangai seseorang dalam sekelip mata?

adakah islam itu hanya terletak kepada pemakaian yang menutup aurat namun bahasa percakapan masih kurang ajar?

adakah islam itu hanya pada luaran dan bukanlah dalaman juga?

adakah islam itu hanya perlu menunjuk-nunjuk akan pemakaian yang menutup semua namun tiada budi bahasa serta sopan-santunnya?

adakah itu sahaja islam ini??

my GOODNESS.

islam is always about the inner strength...and also the outside part of u.

thats why muslims are not able to progress.

they never understand the importance of developing their inner-self rather than just cover themselves as a whole.

do bear in mind that u ARE NOT TO IMPOSE UR VALUES TOWARDS PEOPLE WHO DO NOT SHARE THE SAME VALUE.

to the person yang saya memang tak suka and bengang,

i hope u will learn to be more like ibu.she IS NOT AN USTAZAH,but she knows more than ull ever know,(walaupun u seorang ustaz)

i MEMANG TAK SUKA LAH KAT U.

BENCI.MELUAT.

eh eh.

tak jugak.

i KESIAN kat u,

sebab u kata u islam,u rasa u lebih tahu ilmu u,

tapi u terlalu fokus kat luaran.

big L for u.

wake up and smell the lilies for GOODNESS SAKE.

marah.

2009-03-19T09:53:00.001-07:00

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGH.

be a better person.period.

2009-03-18T06:09:00.000-07:00

i will be a better person from now on.thats a promise to my soul.

i may not be pretty to some of my friends,i may not be sexy to some guys,but hey,i can tell u that im VERY PRETTY AND HELL LOTTA SEXY to myself.

and what i think about myself matters most.

i may not wear branded goods,nor high-end shades like others,but i can tell u that im ONE HOT BRAND AND NAME to my VERY OWN world.

and that matters most.

i may not be freakingly popular,nor be at rave scenes and be all-known to everyone in the capital,but i can tell u one thing,though:

i am A WHOLE LOT OF RAVE SCENES myself,thanks.

=)

i may not be REALLY SMART with straight a's under my belt,but i can tell u that imma work my butt out to achieve what i want,and i know that im no lesser than anyone else.

may it be friends who underestimate me nor others who think im not going to make the cut,but my soul knows me more than anyone,and i know God is always there to help.

i may not be such an award winning trophy for my boyfriend to show off to his friends,but i can bet that ur girlfriend can never be AS FUN as i am.

it may seem like im ordinary and all innocent,but underneath my skin is pure determination and huge dreams.ill be just as successful as everyone else,and the difference is,no one would ever think that i would make it up to HERE.

i will climb up the summit of success on my own two feet,with the values instilled in me,and i will break away from what most people say should spell out triumph and victory,and show what the true meaning of victory is.

i will forget and forgive whatever that has happened in the past.i will let go of everything that has given me such a hard time,only to laugh back when i turn around to see how far ive gone.

being underestimated,being called UGLY,being called FAT-ASS;those words wont hurt me.

i am beautiful no matter what they say.

i will tell myself everyday that i am beautiful the way God has created me.
and i know he has given me the best out of everything.

no more looking around and feeling inferior because everyone seems so beautiful.

no more looking around the classroom and feeling sorry for urself that ur not as smart as any of them.

WAKE UP ALIA.

ur the best.and u know u are.

until u FINALLY ADMIT ur the best,u will never succeed.

put others aside for a while and admit that u are BEAUTIFUL INSIDE OUT,and that u have ur strengths,too.

if u have to struggle harderthan anyone else,think of it as a challenge.

do not harp on it,enjoy every step of the way.
experience is not something that can be bought from Gucci or Fendi or even anywhere in the world.its the moments of experience that u have to saviour.

learn to detach from ur harshness,learn to identify ur angst and ur sorrowness,and learn to let go of all the negativity.

be more positive.God is always there when the world isnt.all u need is him,a lil faith and some pixie dust.

and when u have all that in u,believe me,alia.

bigger and brighter achievements will soon come rolling ur path without u even noticing it.

by the way,

throw away ur ego.
learn to forgive.
do not let ur emotions take over u.

remember.

good things come to those who work and live their lives to the fullest.

=)

oh yeah.

and remember,girl.
never lose ur charm AND HAVE A BLAST!

love,
ur HEART.

2009-03-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

kau but ku tersenyum,
kau buat ku bahagia.

tapi mengapa kau buatku menangis begini?

kau matahari di siang hari,
kau bulan dan bintang di malam hari.

tapi mengapa kau biarkan aku keseorangan?

apakah kau sudah penat dengan aku?

you.

2009-03-17T05:48:00.000-07:00

you make me smile.
you make me laugh.
but why do u also make me cry?

it's pure ecstacy when im with u,
it's smooth sailing ahead when i hold ur hand,
but why does it hurt so much when we fight?

sheesh.

2009-03-16T18:43:00.000-07:00

my life isnt going the way i want it to be.

1st,i posted a toshiba charger to siearra,n now..that STUPID CITYLINK havent sent the charger to her.

WTF.

my mom hasnt posted her plug today,when i ACTUALLY TOLD HER TO DO SO YESTERDAY AND NOW SHE HASNT SENT IT.

ARGH.~

and me??

my maxis number isnt on,cause of THAT STUPID N73;IT WONT WORK.

and im FREAKINGLY SICK,WITH STUPID FOOD POISONING OF ALLLLL THINGS.

sheesh~!

how bad can everything get???

i DONTLIKE EVERYONE NOW.

X(

ARGH!

2009-03-06T01:03:00.000-08:00

tell me something i dont know about men.

they DONT AND NEVER listen.

they dont have PATIENCE;though they EXPECT US TO HAVE LOADS OF that.

they HAVE EGOS.

argh.

to hell with everyone!

my heart tells me its just a phase.my ego tells me its forever.

2009-03-02T06:38:00.000-08:00

looking at him in class used to be something i have yet to get bored of.
looking at him when he gets drowsy and sleepy EVEN GETS ME more excited since ive got something else to do RATHER THAN CONCENTRATE on the friggin' power point presentation which CLEARLY strains my eyes even more than it strains my back!
sitting and discussing chemistry with him used to be something i look forward to,especially when its with our close friends.

that was then.

i dont think i look forward to doing anything with him anymore.

its like when we do math,we tend to talk like numbers in a level p2 and p3 books;very confusing and very LOUD in the sense that both of us want to make a point.

i think nowadays im ridiculous.

so is he.

my heart says that its just another phase im going through.

yeah right.another phase??how long does 1 last?

two weeks with non-stop fights?

ive been through more than anyone ever has,so basically i KNOW HOW LONG A PHASE IS.

one week PLUS MINUS 2days depending on whether u are in a long distance relationship or u see each other like EVERY MINUTE IN CLASS.

**sigh**

im worried.im worried that my ego gets to me.

i dont wanna lose this feeling.its too beautiful and TOO REAL.i miss him.

seriously speaking,i dont know whether he is the one or not.

ive been asking help from God,and i told him that if that dude is for me,let me keep the feeling and that if he is not,take him far away from me,from my budding and blossoming feeling.

i feel that nowadays its almost gone,especially when he doesnt give me much attention now.

dear god,what do i do?

dear friends,how should i react?

dear love,how do u feel?

its hurting me inside,but im too tired to cry.

is this just another obstacle?or is this just another heartache?

i need some answers.i asked the stars last night,they said they will tell when the time comes.

the QUESTION now IS,

when WILL the TIME come?

tell him someone that i see sunset in his eyes.
tell him that the sun and moon rise in hise eyes.
tell him that glittering stars are painted before me when he smiles.
tell him that his laughter is my soul.

and lastly...

tell him that my heart beats only for him.

**i need the music,the scene and free flow of soda.i need to lose myself.for once,let me be random and let me be someone else.i need to get outta my skin for a while;take off my mask that ive been wearing since forever.**

~make me dance with u,and to u im just another girl u dance with.if we move closer to each other,tell urself that its just the music and the vibe.if we touch,tell me that u think its right.and if we kiss,let it be for awhile and enough to last forever;to savour the mood and the popping of every nerve-ending in our bodies.~

^^when u wake up tomorrow morning,u will not remember my name and i will not remember yours.u live ur life and ill go on with mine.though we might never meet each other ever again,tell urself that u felt something with me that night;may it be a spark,a bolt of lightning or just a fling.

it was just perfect.

**i REALLY NEED TO GO AND MAKE SOME NOISE.**

my world from their point of view.

2009-02-27T08:36:00.000-08:00

once upon a time ago,we used to colour with the same box of crayons.

once upon a time ago,we had fights about who should be the head of the clan.

once upon a time ago,we ditched each other to prove who's boss.

ONCE UPON A TIME AGO;when digital cameras were the 'IN' thing and polyphonic handphones cost more than a thou.

EXACTLY.a time when technology hasnt eaten mankind alive and people still had to go to Foto-zoom to get their pictures.

how time FLIES. -.-

now?......

we have grown up so much;

each with our own sense of style and our own taste in music.

we are now individuals with likes and dislikes,with sympathy and empathy.

despite of being far apart from each other,we still stay in touch and meet up once in a while.
i still tell them how my life is and they know CLEARLY who im with now.and they,too tell me what bothers their mind.

although we have different circle of friends now,yet we still have this perfect bond no one can take away.

if i owned the world,i would give 2 parts of the whole thing to them.(since ive to give my family 4 parts and my darlin one lil part).

babes?

this post is dedicated to both of u darls;my loved-ones forever.
thanks for being with me through thick and thin;ignoring what others have said about me(since i can BE VERY VERY popular at TIMES).thanks for giving me full support although u know that what i wanted to do was CLEARLY CLEARLY WRONG.thanks for allowing me to make my own mistakes.

to the petite one;
with eyes as glimmering as the stars in the sky and the power of words beyond the control of the heavens,
my dear manissa,
uve been the best of friend a babe can ever ask for.u would always say that everything's gonna be alright when things go out of hand.u would always have the right words to say and the positive vibe that gets me thinking that things will turn out fine,ur the MOST GLITTERING DIAMOND.and no one can ever destroy ur shine.

to the model-like one,
with a smile that could melt anyone's heart and the patience of a true goddess,
my dear ieka,
u listened when i needed u to,and u would never judge me for what or who i am.u have showed to me that friends are not just for fun,but friends are also people that will listen and cry with u.to help u get up and to help u make decisions that will be a better choice for everyone.ur indeed the BIGGEST PEARL IN THE DEEPEST sea,and ur irreplaceable.

i love u darlings to BITS.n i hope u both KNOW IT.

life as it is.

2009-02-21T21:05:00.000-08:00

need i say more?

the first time was the best.it brought me sheer ecstacy;the kind that i havent felt in quite sometime...the view was perfect,the feeling was just right.being there with him;just talking about life brought the meaning of 'SHARING LIFE EXPERIENCES' to a much higher level than it ever did before.and the best part of all;it wasnt just about him or me;it WAS ABOUT US.and i love him more than ever for all that.looking into his eyes and just knowing that everything was gonna be fine gave new light to me.im determined as ever to stick with him.be with him for the rest of my life and never ever wanting to look back.these words are strictly from my heart.honest,frank and vulnerable.vulnerable words that may be used against my principles on love.frank words that are spoken straight from my heart.and honest words that are breathings of my soul.lets wait and see how everything goes.

=)

oh.the SECOND ONE.ahah.

well...what else is there to say???

we ROCK MCS!
the pretty-hotties of mcs.u cant get any BETTER THAN US.

=)

shit.what time is it??oh yeah.i FORGOT.PHYSICS' CALLING.

it takes more...

2008-12-31T02:39:00.000-08:00

everyone's pumped up.2009 is just a mere hours away and my inbox is already full with 'happy new year' messages.

lets be frank,people.

i never celebrate new year.to the society nowadays,people would say that i despise the future,or im just too scared to face the future or im just another dimwit.

whichever u prefer.i do not apparently CARE.

2008 taught me a million things about life;which i doubt it taught anyone else about.

2008 taught me how to cry.
2008 taught me how to say goodbye.
2008 taught me how to be strong.
2008 taught me how to admit wrong.

Basically being 18 is not just about being well,LEGAL but it also means that uve lived for eighteen bittersweet years;and that by now,u should be matured enough.

2008 was the best year of my life.

despite of having so many rough and bumpy experiences with my mother,my friends and even my very own soul,ive become a person ive never imagined to be.

more sensitive,more careful,more understanding,more tolerant,more logical.

i am now someone better than i can ever be.

in 2008,i read books that were no more in the chick-lit category.(i know that its not something new,but for me,its a HUGE IMPROVEMENT).i read books that would actually change my life;regardless of how much it did.i read books that showed how much pain can be inflicted on a person by a person just with words,i read books that proved that one can be on the summit of success without having to be in their comfort zone.i read books that opened my eyes and made me think twice of everything that is around me.i read books that made me laugh my head off,yet i wept and wept after each page.

i have grown not just physically,but mentally.

in 2008,i fought with my emotions.i was neck-to-neck with my very own heart but my ego won.and im really glad it did.my ego set me free.my dignity and my faith were restored.i now believe that what was instilled into my soul was the truth;and that no one can ever change who i am in the name of sweet love.i learned that love is not by setting fences nor boundaries;but to let ur soul roam free and bloom like a flower.love is about loving and giving space for u to shine your life.

my view on love has been broaden.love is never about saying NO.love is never about keeping him or her to ur very own self;but to let him fly and soar like and eagle in the sky trying to find its righteous path.love is very wrongly defined;especially to youngsters nowadays.what i said might offend;but to me its the most perfect way to ever define such a beautiful feeling.love is about letting him or her become what she/he wants,and with u by her/his side,supporting without fail and helping when he/she falls.

now that i know,im experiencing pure love.

oh yeah;speaking about LOVE.

in 2008,i found real love,too.love that understands no boundaries,no heights and no depths.how it happened,no one can ever explain.u just cant choose whom to love;it just happens.ive felt love so powerful and so magical that no word can ever describe it perfectly.love that knows how to hurt ur heart like having a bullet in ur chest;love that makes u feel so alive;love that makes u feel as if ur a dolphin swimming and circling the seven seas.

love is about patience.the time will come and so i know =)

in 2008,ive been reminded on how important a friendship is.ive been tested with so many things this particular year.the people who i used to call friends bailed out on me when i needed them;the people who i LEAST expected would help.ive learned how to read people's minds,and how wrong u can be about each other.ive learned that us humans are basically wearing masks all the time;u hide ur true skin and ur true stare.i admit that ive also a mask on my face.a mask that shows only colourful paintings and panoramic sights but with so little hearts.

*sigh*.how i wish people could be a little more real.

in 2008,ive been taught to treat others with more respect regardless of how they look.ive been taught to think a little more mature and a little more logic when it comes to dealing with people.2008 was a huge eye-opener.being civilised is not just about having tall buildings and having the best shopping malls,but to be able to treat others who arent in the position of giving anything to u back.being rational is about having to question with dignity and without offending others.

*sigh*.if only people know how offended i get when i see teens who are healthy-and -all sitting (in the TRAIN) when a pregnant or an older person is standing.

how can people be so selfish?and we call ourselves the generation of tomorrow;malaysia's leaders-in-the-making.

in 2008,ive learned so many things that might change so many lives if only they were practised through out the world.equality has never been understood fully.the needs of an individual will always be different than another person will never be considered.why?because we ALWAYS impose our values and likings onto everyone else,thinking that everyone would want and like the same thing.

know what?i finally understand why my mom gives all of us the option of eating what we would like,even though having to end up eating by ur ownself.

know what?i finally understand why my mom never liked designer bags.its because it isnt HER.she just cant appreciate.just because its designer;it doesnt mean everyone likes it.

now i know.

in 2008,ive been able to question why my mom brought me up this way.why she made effort to fight,to scream,to cry,to laugh and to smile with me.now i know.now i am wide awake to say why.its because she wants me to be loud.to be confident.to be able to say my views without fret.to be able to scream when i have to,and to never give in to things that arent my cup of tea.to never be someone else and to always be happy with what i am,regardless of whether i am not pretty or dark or whatever.to be able to be comfortable in my own skin.to be able to carry myself in the public's eye with poise and grace but with a pinch of eagerness to prove a point.and because she wants me to be her friend,not just her daughter.just because ur blood related,it doesnt mean that u share the same views;and she wants to tell her story to me as a reminder and as a guide to life.and i love her more after each fight,and i cherish her more after every kiss goodnight.

now i am wiser than yesterday,ibu.

in 2008,ive gone through bad and even worse times that i know no one else could have ever gone through.once upon a time ago,i used to look back at all my sad and hard times and cry,regret and weep with all my might and repeat after myself over and over again;'what if...'.but now?but today?im a new person.i have promised that i will never look back in anger,in fright or in a thousand remorse.i will just look and be happy that ive gone through such sh*t,such a meltdown and tell myself;'what an experience!'

in 2008,ive learned to become a more cautious person.ive learned that words hurt more than a hard-beating.ive learned to love more and let my emotions to come and get me hard,identifying each feeling,each adrenaline that comes to heart.then,being able to detach it and say that everything will be fine to myself is just award-winning.

in 2008,ive stood up for my friends.ive let my guard down so many times,cried soo many nights just to be able to feel the warmth and comfort of love.been such a pathetic daughter.made my mom cried sooo many times.screamed so loudly at people.been so selfish.got so angry with people in the train.got mocked in the face.faced falling down hard without anyone being there to catch me.faced such a terrible break up.survived in college with the help of new friends,been there for a friend who was in deep tears,taken care of a friend who was in severe pain.believed the impossible.learned to love once more.got up on my own when i fell.cried when afiq got out of the car a day before he sat for his spm.said NO when i needed to.

2008 was a blast.and it will always be in my mind.the fact that ive learned everything the hard way made me a better person.a wiser person.a more SECURE person.

that was 2008?what about 2009?

in 2009,i will be crying hard to see my close friends and my other half complete their a levels course.i will be supporting them from behind,that is my promise,no matter how hard ans stressful it will ever get.

in 2009,i will be a better daughter to my parents.i will never make my mom cry the way ive always did for the past 18 years of my life.i will make them proud and happy.

in 2009,i will still be angry with people who basically are too selfish to give up their seats to people who are supposed to be seating.(somethings will never change)

in 2009,i will fall and i will rise slowly,at my very own pace and loving and savouring every minute of it,just to make sure i remember each and every passing moment a little more.

in 2009,i will be a more wholesome person as i listen to my mother's sweet voice telling me stories about how she got through this,how she went through that.

in 2009,i will be a more sensitive person as i learn through my mistakes and others,and i promise that ill never judge anyone no matter how bad they are.

in 2009,my life will makemore sense than ever.

so.happy new year 2009!

books and looks.

2008-12-25T04:51:00.000-08:00

i once had a row with my mother because of the curfew she and my daddy had set for me.10 p.m. AND I AM FREAKING 18.*sigh*.ive got a driving license yet my dad is not happy with the idea of me driving.ive had this driving license since April,and believe me,ive never driven any farther than in front of the house,with a max speed of 30Km/h.(yeah,i know.VERY pathetic).

i once asked God why im not pretty like everyone else i see in facebook,myspace,friendster or at popular public hang-outs.i once questioned God why im not blessed with good skin,a hot body and a personality to match it,oh and a good voice to go with it when everyone else around me are blessed with basically perfect features and had Cleo-featured faces and Sports Illustrated bodies.

"it might have been a bad day for God when he created me." quoted Jess(if im not mistaken thats her name),a character from the book by Sue Limb,Girl 15-charming but insane when she thought of the same thing as i did since her bestfriend was basically Goddess-like.

after sometime,i discovered that guys nowadays dig into girls who are more likely to be popular,who are likely to be more into the social life.girls who wear make up,who wear dangerously short micro miniskirts.girls who drive big,huge and stunning cars.girls who go out to cool parties.

after sometime,i discovered that guys apparently give ratings to every girl they meet.a negative number to indicate that this babe is 'SHITLY UGLY' or 10 to indicate that this girl is 'FUCKING HAWT' or a 5 to say that this female creature is just 'so so or okay'.

how it breaks my heart such people with such attitude exist.

how pathetic our mentality is.

and we say that we are CIVILISED PEOPLE.

there are times i would feel inferior,so small,so useless and a no-worth at all.there are times i wouldnt give a damn,all i wish to do is just move on with my life and just enjoy what i have in life.these issues bother me once in a while although i ignore them.i thought that at first it was funny to have issues that are so ridiculous bothering my mind.but i guess now i know what it actually means.

its called;'INDIRECT PEER PRESSURE'.

these days,everyone wants to look gorgeous.so if ur not gorgeous,guys and others wont be looking at u,regardless of how GOOD u are at other things.if ur not gorgeous,u cant be with the 'in-group'.

if ur not HAWT enough,u just cant be someone's girlfriend,especially if the guy is SOMEONE at the rave scene.

if ur not an-8 or a-9(ratings),u can never dream of getting urself near a guy with friends who are popular.NEVER.full stop.

if u dont have an active night life,u can never be on the most-wanted's list.

is this how youngsters are nowadays?so into the rave scene?so into being with the popular girls?the need to be classified as a-10 is a must!the determination to be considered as one of the 'in-clan' is soo HUGE?

this is totally to me,UNACCEPTABLE.

whats wrong with the world?i mean,come on!open your eyes.life is not just about all that.what about other important things like education,manners,personality?

arent those important?arent those issues that would actually make up a person?

why must everyone look from the outside only?

why must guys and friends look for all that in a person?everyone should be pretty in their very own ways,and not just be pretty on the outside.do NOT GET ME WRONG,im not feeling JEALOUS OR WHATNOT ABOUT ME not being PRETTY,im just disturbed that everyone judges each other by their outer looks.

physical is something no one can ever change;since its a gift from God.but personality is something that should actually be considered majorly.

i hate waking up every morning to the situation where i go out and i see so many people rating each other and making such a big commotion about looks and the latest hot club or what not.i just dont think our community nowadays are actually focusing on building a generation to actually be the leaders of tomorrow or the next Oprah.i think that the only thing that matters to people now is being hot,looking hot and everything else thats hot and fun.

pathetic.

funny.

2008-12-02T07:09:00.000-08:00

its funny how someone can hurt u and leave u to bleed a pool of unhappy tears.its crazy how an individual can have full control of ur happiness and spin ur feelings around in just a blink of an eye.the things we sacrifice for love.the things we DO for love.

*sigh*

maybe.

2008-12-01T04:35:00.000-08:00

maybe im not meant to get married.

maybe im not meant to be a good wife.

maybe im not meant to be the best cook.

maybe im not meant to be the best lady-material.

maybe im just not all that.

maybe im not destinied to even find love.

maybe.just maybe.

exams.

2008-11-26T02:59:00.000-08:00

it is funny how the education system works nowadays.its either;

1-u study for the WHOLE ONE SEMESTER and u take up ur finals by the end of each semester.each exam may take up up to 2hours plus plus.(this is still considerable.)

2.u study ur butt out for one whole year,u study,u cram,u panic,u cry,u scream,u have sleepless nights and at the end of the day..u only sit for a paper which at tops,will take only an hour and a half of ur day.

its either im going nuts or there is REALLY SOMETHING wrong with the education nowadays.

*sigh*

im worried.my exams are really getting to me.my maths...argh.it wasnt that i couldnt answer it,it wasnt because i dont know...it was because of my own CARELESS MISTAKES.argh.

ive already taken the steps towards not doing careless mistakes;for example using highlighters and coloured pens.

hm.i guess its just not my day.maybe ive gotta work harder.maybe ive gotta pray and recite the Koran more.oh GOD.dear lord...help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway.at the moment,im just basically struggling;working my butt out as hard as i can.i want to be better than mid-sems.but for maths..a FLAT b.grrr.

i cant wait to go back.ROAD TRIP.

ew.

2008-10-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

dearest blog..

im sorry that ive done nothing else but blog about my troubles and my angst towards the world..and this post will not differ from the previous ones.

i just dont understand why people are so annoying and irritating nowadays.basically,im already EIGHTEEN.yes yes,18.ALREADY 18 so i think by right NO ONE IS SUPPOSED to tell me what i should be doing and how to live my most-awesome life.

TOO BAD for u that u cant be as hot as i am.duhh!

im pissed at the moment.yes yes,me and my sheer and utter angst with people.i know i know,again ive been reminded for the millionth time not to let everything out in one go and to always consider how others would feel,but i think this time its too much.
im sorry and i apologise to everyone who feels that this post is seriously hurtful but i just cant help myself.im too tired.all these ridiculous statements!all these weird statements!

grrr.i should be given a fair chance as an adult,shouldnt i?

i have a guy for my bestfriend.how's that different than having a girl as a bestfriend?before we go to the details,lets start with a brief story of what is a 'bestfriend'.ur bestfriend is the person u cry to for help.the person u cry at.the person u cry WITH.the person who shares more tears with u than anyone else.yes,its cliche that most people would fall madly and deeply inlove with ur bestfriend,but just because its cliche ,it doesnt mean that it will happen to everyone,RIGHT?again.guys and girls CAN BECOME FRIENDS AND REMAIN AS ONLY THAT.barbaricly,some people with very NARROW MIND-SETS tend to overdo the -guys-and-girls-can-never-be-friends-and-not-fall-inlove-with-each-other-at-the-same-time thing.

hellO!
even my mother has a MALE BESTFRIEND.yes.u read that one right.a homo sapien with the XY chromosome as her bestfriend,since university and they still call up each other once in a while.even my bestfriend,akbar fathi who is currently in UM is OBVIOUSLY a GUY and we have never had anything more than the special bond we have...AS BESTFRIENDS.

i dont like that statement.my mother has never limited my circle of friends to only befriending girls and to never mix around.never ever has she even said that i cant have a boyfriend during my youth years.she should know better,shouldnt she?syakir is INDEED MY BESTFRIEND.so what?

people!syakir is my bestfriend.yes,we started out as friends.(i mean,DONT EVERYONE?take ur enemy or arch nemesis for example.they wouldnt be ur enemy if u guys dont know each other from the start?dont u dare come telling me that u just happen to HATE THE PERSON for NO logical reason or for reasons that arent acceptable to a normal person's mind?)yes,we are bestfriends and basically we are matured enough to make decisions that are of our best interest.verdicts that have already been thought of all the pros and cons.to digest the good and the bad,and learn to only extract whats best out of every situation we face.

and besides,so what if i happen to fall in love with him?its my right.its his luck.its his choice.whatever la kan?i mean,basically...just because u are studying that doesnt mean u cant have love or fun at the same time?wait wait.which planet are u from again?definitely NOT EARTH i suppose.sorry if my statement offences many out there,but people who say that they dont want to be involved with others because of the fact that they wanna study,is TOTAL UTEER SHEER CLEAR CHICKEN POOP TO ME.HAHA.kalau macam tu,tak de orang kawin la.ye la.orang tanya asal tana ade relationship,dia jawab sebab nak fokus on kerja.kalau macam tu everything yang kena multi-tasking tak boleh buat la.GILA LOSER.i just cant accept the facts.

hello!im eighteen.i know that i have raging hormones,but ive got all the help i can ever get.and most importantly,ive got ibu.my most trustful counsellor with her never ending advices.she takes into account of how i feel.i have her to help me through my way.to guide me if i go astray..i dont need other anonymous people coming to read my blog and start telling me whats right or wrong.

im not gonna mess up my life for a stinking guy.im not gonna mess up my chance of flying off to aussie for some lame heart-break.just because others have,i will.i am not just as equal as everyone else.ive had 23 heart-breaks mind u,and i have never failed to get back up.im not that dumb.nothing is more precious than the education i have because its MINE.get it?ill never ever tell myself that ive failed myself because of a guy.and im never gonna let that happen to any of my friends.

thanx for all ur unnecessary concern,but u can go and give other people(who are really in deep shit and who really are losers) ur lectures on how to get back up and to always concentrate on ur studies.go ahead and lecture others for all i care!stop giving people like me,who see the world in VARIOUS yes,VARIOUS perspectives on how life is and how life should be.

oh yeah.one more thing.if u DONT SHARE THE SAME OPINIONS AS THE OTHERS,DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT IMPOSE UR VALUE OR OPINION TO PEOPLE WHO JUST dont look at a certain thing from the same PERSPECTIVE AS urs.

argh.

im basically FURIOUS!(not really,just my words.mind u.:P)

last week.

2008-10-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

it seems to me that college has sucked out my eagerness to blog.face it,bitch.uve lost ur confidence in answering maths questions,let alone ur self-confidence in writing essays that would leave people to ponder about before they crash late at night.**sigh**.ive got issues that i think is a little too much for an 18 year-old to face.even my blogposts are all cold,bitter and boring.everytime its always another problem.its a problem about this.another complication about that.**sigh**.i think i need a break from life.it seems that God's really testing my strength and my patience with all sorts of undeniably,HUGE and complicated problems.things that i dont know how to deal with and at the end of the day,all i do is cry my heart out late at night,only to wake up feeling and not to mention,LOOKING like chicken poop.since its my blog,yes,MY OWN PERSONAL BLOG,i was rather contemplating on whether to talk about my problems and maybe u readers may just help in giving my opinions,but i guess its about time for me to tell myself that im old enough to think of mature solutions.

at this very moment,i feel like crying.the row i had with her last week was OBVIOUSLY barbaric and what she said really got me crying myself in the shower everytime i bathe.i hate her.n the other one.i give up.i dont want to have any special bond other than that of a mother and daughter.no more bestfriends for life.no more gossips about boys with her.no more.enough!it wouldnt have hurt that bad if we didnt have anything more than just the normal,mother-daughter relationship.i refused to come home at first,but i miss daddy and iman.ALOT.i miss daddy most,so i decided to just throw away every single hurtful word she said and come home to where i used to look forward to being at.

dear God,
why is it this way?i guess u know better.

this morning.going to class was not really something i was keen of doing.nope.not after crying my heart out at 1.30 in the morning till 3,30 am straight.he was pissed.furious.it was my fault i guess.everything was,never had been anyone else's.practically the conversation we had last night wasnt really good.i was sobbing through out the whole phone call,and he was basically conversing with his crazily angry tone.it hurt real bad.i tried telling him i was sorry.that i wouldnt do the same thing again.he cooled off abit.the painful part was that i had to see him in class,with eyes trying to fight back tears.i had to sit next to him during chemistry class,and i couldnt concentrate that much.

dear God,
why is it like this?i guess u know best.

hmm.pouring my heart out in my blog isnt something good as my mom would say.revealing ur weaknesses and strength;only for people to judge u.well,some people may find peace in doing other things such as playing golf,eating r sleeping.me?i find peace of mind when i blog.when i write what my mind and heart want me to.its a way for me to handle my stress since i dont have anyone to play tennis with me.:P

i know.im a total utter loser. =|

english

2008-10-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

people gets me pissed.people gets me screaming my lungs out and banging my head onto the wall.

argh!people with very restricted mind set;only understanding everything on the surface.im practically furious with what i heard.AGAIN PEOPLE.LET ME HIGHLIGHT ON THE WORD FRIENDSHIP.does it spell out,girlfriend-boyfriend-love to u?

argh!

enough with the rumours.!

to HELL with all the lies!

im furious.

u claim to be so good in english,yet a simple statement,NO NO,a SIMPLE WORD SUCH AS THAT u still cant fully understand,..

let alone a whole blogpost!SHEESH.

im tired with all the lies.

im just his bestfriend;never more and never less.

hope to stay this way forever,too.

u ppl ARE BARBARIC.

pathetic.

2008-10-16T07:29:00.001-07:00

im totally confused.the emotions that are apparently running through my vains are just downright and utterly baffling to the soul.im basically:

-worried
-angry
-pissed
-lonely
-tired
-stressed

and maybe,just maybe,a little bit happy.=)

ive been having emotional breakdowns for quite a number of times just this week alone.

HELP me.period.

die hard.

2008-10-03T06:19:00.000-07:00

innocence is what im being taken for,
ignorance is what i refuse to breathe in,
as heartless as i can be,
im still young,
never too clean and never too messy.

clinging on to what ive become,
i strive hard to get pass through my days.
counting the steps that i take,
as my heart beats a little faster each minute,
i realise that im changing.

my thoughts howl out loud at night,
i muse of what awaits me tomorrow.
as i wait for the stars to come hold me,
so that ill never wake up tomorrow,
i escape into my fantasy world,
images that i once encountered before unfolds,
but i know every lie they tell,
every hoax they mean.

now,
im another person.
im always another person.
never the person before.
nobody knows me more than i know myself.
sanity challenges me.
fiction bites my thighs hard.
am i surrounded by fear once more?
or is it just another confusion?

extreme euphoria,elysium and ecstacy on the go,
crestfallen,depressed and demoralise at some point,
i run around feeling everything as a mixture,
sometimes equal,sometimes imbalanced.
everything is bittersweet to me.

am i THAT empty?

sheesh.

2008-10-03T04:56:00.000-07:00

argh.finally back home after ONE WHOLE WEEK IN KELANTAN WITH NOTHING ELSE TO DO BESIDES:
a)wash dishes.

b)do maths which seems rather like a HUGE,NEVER-WILL-BE-FULFILLED DREAM since its EID UL-FITR FOR GOD'S SAKE.NO ONE DOES HOMEWORK DURING THIS PERIOD OF TIME;well if uve encountered of such people then feel free to tell me;id be MORE THAN HAPPY to freaking scream "FREAK and LOSER" straight to their faces.

c)potong daging and cuci ayam.whatever that means

d)potong bawang and halia and all sorts

e)wash dishes AGAIN.

f)text syakir and call him and update on stuff thats been going on;for example like during eid-ul fitr,basically i was barbarically screaming when i called him,said i was furious with some people for being natural narcissists,for being to CONCEITED WITH HOW THEY LOOK AND WHAT KIND OF IMPRESSION THEY WILL GET WHEN PEOPLE SEE THEM ALL DOLLED-UP AND IN THE KITCHEN DOING DISHES.sheesh.

and the rest?its a so-called perfect cycle.everything goes on and on again.and it never ends.from day one,ive been doing nothing else but all the activities that ive stated earlier.and for entertainment,i sing for myself;which is basically bizarre since im not good at singing and ive got the voice of a chicken blended in with a toad's but well,lets face it.IVE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT JUST THAT TO HUMOR MYSELF.argh.the dread of having to go back.but since its a once-a-year occasion and the fact that celebrating it here in KL would definitely SUCK,i have no other choice but to AGREE BASICALLY ON EVERYTHING THAT UNFOLDS right in front of my eyes;even if it means HAVING TO FACE MY BIGGEST FEAR OF ALL-cooking (-.-)

i know that im making everything sound really bad,but..AGAIN..im ALIA..i tend to over-do the im-finally-home-from-a-bad-vacation thing.it didnt really suck basically(alia nih cakap keling lah)haha.well,okay-okay.ill get to the point now,PROMISE!.going back to kelantan is fun cause i get to meet up with my beloved cousins and like...GOSSIP AND MOCK PEOPLE(dahlah raya,dah mintak maaf pastu buat dosa balik.gila loser).dont get me wrong,we gossip and we talk about so much things that we havent told each other about.its more to a personal,one-to-one update.the boring part is well,the rest of the things.the fact that im getting lesser angpao doesnt feel that good,but in a way im growing older and im not supposed to be enjoying raya as much as the young ones,so i guess they deserve more than i do now.(awww.im such a sweetheart,i KNOW)overall,id say this year's raya is okay,but not as fun as in the year 2006.that was the best!EVERYONE and i mean EVERYONE CAME BACK.it was definitely a FULL HOUSE.there werent even any space to sleep,so we had to camp-out at the backyard.it was scary since that house..is well,SCARY basically..but it wasnt the stopper for us since we were all damn exhausted to even think of anything else than LALA land.ahh.memories that keep u pondering.

ok.enough said about raya.now...let me talk about some personal issues i would like to discuss about.oh yeah!even though i seem a bit rough and quite stubborn,i really,and i mean REALLY GET PISSED OFF when people dont have manners.especially the simple,simple ones like saying sorry when u barge through people without even saying sorry.ah!that really gets to my nerve.

let me tell u about these series of events that really happened to me that made me feel even more obnoxious with them, let alone wanting to barf with how people who claim to be very alim and very religious yet still couldnt care less about HYGIENE AND MANNERS!

as i was walking in pengkalan kubor,my handbag knocked over some boxes at small stall.then i said "sorry" very clearly,and the old makcik said something like;"makcik dop reti lah sorry-sorry dik.makcik reti maah jah" which translates that she doesnt understand the word sorry,but understands the word sorry in BAHASA.wtf?i felt so INSULTED.first of all,she DID UNDERSTAND WHAT I SAID CAUSE SHE GAVE A FREAKING DIRECT TRANSLATION.and well,why the hell was she complaining?i said SORRY.maaf and SORRY means I APOLOGISE FOR WHATEVER I HAVE DONE.sheesh.and they say KELANTAN IS A NEGERI ISLAM.when ur a muslim,GOD forbids u from insulting or saying things that might embarrass someone in public.wtf?a TRUE MUSLIM MY FOOT!

next event.i was walking nicely towards a stall just at the corner(still in pengkalan kubor) and i walked towards this really nice flare-pants.then,as i was like looking at the pants,this lady with a fake,yes,FAKE LV BAG (i know that the thing about her bag is IRRELEVANT,BUT i had to say it since she really PISSED ME OUT) barged into me and her things fell.it wasnt really my fault basically since i had been standing there for quite sometime and mostly everyone who saw me made some room to walk by me,but still i said sorry(being all well-mannered me).she didnt.she began screaming,"BUTO KO HEH?DOP NAPOK KO ORE DUK JALE NI?BODO" which translates, "are u blind?cant u see im walking?stupid."i was...basically...RED.i said to her,"im sorry.bukan saya yang tak nampak.awak yang tak nampak awak jalan mana".barbarically,her boyfriend told me to say sorry."doh awop dop napok,awop la mitop maah" which translates,"since ur the one who's blind.u should say sorry".i was basically controlling my temper.,but being me who is apparently VERY CIVILISED,i apologised again,and i said that i was sorry for being in the way but it wasnt entirely my fault.she kept arguing so i was basically trippin' so my mom had to come in.my mom said politely that im sorry and that it was just a small matter and that they didnt have to make it into such a big deal.then,i went off,storming to daddy,basically tring to CONTROL MY TEARS OF ANGST.my cousin sempat jerit kat her face;"and i know that ur LV bag is FAKE" but neither of us knew whether she understood the statement or not.typical malaysians.being all rude,trying to win a small argument.a-HOLES.

and about hygiene.omg.somehow..when i go back to kelantan,my BOWELS REFUSE TO GO TO THE PUBLIC TOILETS.ew.i dont know why,but i refuse to go to the toilet.ew.EW.the best toilets there,are as equivalent as the grossest toilets here in Kuala Lumpur.and they say they are very ALIM AND ALL.duhh.CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.argH!even in MCS,i noticed that the so-called SELECTED STUDENTS arent very concern of the cleanliness.argh!im grossed out.

ew

help.

i need my dettol hand sanitizer.

yahh.

2008-09-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

finally!i finally have WIFI connection.omg.im in chemistry class at the m0ment,but i just c0uldnt care less.ive been yawning barbaricly for the past h0ur and still ive g0t an0ther half and h0ur t0 g0.aaa.the teacher is at the fr0nt,teaching and lecturing but i just cant st0p myself from resisting the fact that the internet is in MY PHONE.well.thngs have been going splendid.the fasting m0nth has been nice in the sense that i dont eat too much or too little.the fact that i dont have cravings for food when i go to the ramadhan market leaves me to ponder of where my cravings for food went.classes end at 245pm,which is an awful dread since my brains arent the size of the himalayas.my physics teacher has been teaching us like crazyly fast,i dont even know what we actually have learnt these few weeks.sigh.im worried.my mid-terms are in a week's time.how am i supposed 2 catchup when each chapter is as thick as a thesaurus?omg.ive got issues.=(

?

2008-08-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

turtles

2008-08-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

i saw the cutest creature ever although i saw it in a large number.baby turtles.OMG.they are sooo freaking CUTE.!

awana.

2008-08-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

oh-am-gee.im finally here!ive been longing for a vacation here and now im already here in kijal,terengganu.this is just a dream come TRUE!

brilliant.

2008-08-16T16:07:00.001-07:00

like my previous blogpost?haha.its g0na be a c0ntinu0us p0st.so enj0y!take care.

tonight

2008-08-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

she is crying again as her hands held his photo close to her heart.she knows that he'll never be hers but her soul keeps convincing her to wait.its been too long and waiting kills her very slowly inside.she looks up into the dark night sky and stares into the beautiful diamond curtains covering her world.she hopes for a sign as a tear flows down her rosy,red cheeks.a shooting star appears out of nowhere.could this be?

seriously.

2008-08-15T01:14:00.000-07:00

alright people.since all i tend to blog about is just another sad and boring love tale of mine,this week,ive promised that i wont be blogging about too much about how i feel and blog more on what i FEEL ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS.hows that for a change?interesting?OMFG.i cant wait for the awana kijal trip.its going to be a BLAST!after so so so long,we're finally going on a family vacation.the last that we went was i'd say probably last two years which was to Redang Island and omg it was one of the best!i just cant wait to go play beach volley and build sand-castles with iman n afiq,be strolling around after 9pm with ibu and eat raw seafood with ayah!i just cant wait!

fighting temptation

2008-08-15T01:09:00.000-07:00

im fighting the temptation to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP on my BEAUTIFUL bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**aaaa***

cant accept the fact that ive got so much hw to complete and still i WANT TO SLEEP!

so much for the plans to study.

wtf?!

tired of the lies.

2008-08-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

im tired of the lies.i just dont understand love.and ill never understand guys.bo0h0o.n0w i kn0w why women are from venus and men are from mars.

not gonna get me alive.

2008-08-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

my heart's apparently beating rather slow at the moment.i muse as my eyes leered around to look for a possible answer to the question,but i already knew it from the start.im trying hard to ignore him as i pay more attention to my playing ipod and my half-written essay.he's the person who keeps me up at night.and he is sitting just an arm-stretch from me.argh.my heart screams hard as i look at him.he's the reason im confused.he's the why to the answer of me not being able to really trust love.i know,im pathetic but what am i to say?is he that possible?

hurt

2008-08-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

anger and frustration overwhelms my soul once more.again,life tests me with yet another heart break and expects me to do the same thing everytime.sit down under the shimmering albeit dim light of the stars in the night's sky and weep silently into the silent,dark universe.overall,i think that ill come to a certain point whereby my sanity will become lesser and my spirit will finally go berserk.somehow,my heart is telling me that the sweet-talk and memories have really gotten to my head and now i dont think im any happier.i now realise that love is another cheap and easy way to hurt everyone else.love is also a traitor,having pouring gallons of hope and showering the soul with such beautiful words and fantastic memories.i give up.in my previous blog entry,i said that i wouldnt mind getting hurt again just to really understand it.again,im a fool.a fool for even believing that it wont deceive me.a coward for not fighting the temptation to be loved.an idiot for accepting every single dream it carved before me.i hate love.im an ass for thinking that it would work.it didnt just screamed my biggest fear,now it has become my own reflection in the mirror,a shadow that follows me and torments me more and more slowly,in a much more painful way.the series of calamities that have been attacking my inner strength is really sucking out the fun in me.love love love.i wonder how parents made it to 15 to 50 years of marriage.to me,love like that is just impossible!but what do i know.im just too upset with someone who i thought would be different than anyone else.turns out he is just the same.plucking out every nerve ending in my body and slowly healing them himself.he is just like a pill.he doesnt make me better,he makes me even sicker.the way he looks at me,the way he talks to me,everything just makes me go crazy!why is this happenning to me?again and again and again.aa!im tired with all the drama that has been going on in my world.i wish that he would understand.i wish that he would apologise.now,i guess ill have to wait as tears flow down my heart.

a dream.

2008-08-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

have u ever dreamt of something that u will never do in life?i dont mean dream as in what u want in life.im talking about the literal meaning of dream.dream as in dream when u sleep.i usually get weird and awkward dreams when i sleep at night only to wake up feeling shocked to my bones or half-screaming my lungs out.(i exaggerate a lil too much i know)haha.well,whatever.again,back to the topic.i had this really pleasant dream last two nights,but its a lil too personal to tell the world.im abit embarrassed to tell the universe,but i would want to.i would love to tell everyone about it.i think i was in love in that dream.isnt that a good sign?.=)

smiling my ass off.

2008-08-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

since yesterday was a very disastrous day for me,i expected the same thing to happen to me today.well,there's a saying that says;"shit happens to me ALL the time".im worried.until the clock struck twelve,and everything changed in just a blink of an eye.it wasnt a really happy-happy-HAPPY day.it was just another day but it was filled with many moments that i just cant resist of not telling the world.

love.love.love.yes,as ive mentioned before in my previous blog postS,im apparently giving up on love despite the many-many guys who have tried to flirt around with me and who were willing to give it a go.but somehow,last night,something hit me hard on my face.i knew it!maybe i havent given up on love after all.maybe its just another complication that god wants me to go through to help me face the life better,so that ive got a more wholesome understanding of how love and patience come together hand-in-hand.although my soul warns me hard,im still as stubborn as i were before,thus endangering my so-called inner strength and my preserved secrets that haunt me till my very last breath.but,hey.whats the thrill if u get the guy in just a snap,ey?isnt that true?i love thrills.i love guys who intrigue me.mysterious people.with an ego the size of the Himalayas.omg.im beginning to think that i guess its okay for me to fall in love again,even maybe it hurts.my mr. right is out there,waiting for me just like im waiting for him.i bet that he looks into the same star every night and wishes that he'll find me one day.i know it.so what if i fall in love with a guy who has a god-sis who's totally obsessed with hiM?that's none of my business.so what if i fall for a guy who has his pet-sis' picture as his wallpaper in his phone when he's out on a date with me?.i dont.what the hell?!he's not mine and his phone isnt my property,so?what does that have to do with me falling for him?love isnt measured by how VPA(very public affection)a guy shows.its what inside that counts.i dont know why i havent thought of such matters lately.i guess i was too busy sulking in the first place that ive forgotten to look into the beauty of love as i was too full of angst,remorse and sympathy.ill be alright,right?no.ill BE FINE

^^,

sick to my bones

2008-08-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

im sick of how life is treating me at the moment.im given the chance to fall in love once more and i mean the kind of love that makes u sick to ur stomach,makes u feel on cloud nine.the cant-eat-cant-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-WORLD-series kind of thing.im given the chance to live my life the way i want,to flirt just as much as i want to,not the way ANYONE wants me to.still,i feel some sort of emptiness inside me.a fear that i can never tell anyone,but only whisper quietly to my soul.its heart-breaking.im endeavouring very hard to let my mind sleep when im too tired to do anything. alas,its not helping.i feel pathetic when im all alone in the room.i feel naked and skin-less without everyone else around me.more specifically,i feel alone albeit the echoes of the harmonious voices around me.

life's really unfair to me.
for giving me a brand new chance of love,it reminded me of the darkest moments in life,when i was in despair and without anything else to hold on to except to rely on my inner strength and my patience.my sanity was challenged and my confidence was riveted towards him and only him.everyone basically knows that im really into mysterious and intriguing guys,but this was a different story.no one made him feel so alive.it took me exactly three years to really accept that he has left my life for good.love is selfish.when ive finally closed the door,it comes knocking on it constantly with a new face waiting for me outside the door.not only that,it comes with a package.him coming into my life screams out my biggest fear.being cheated again after showering every bit of love i have inside me.

life's unfair again.
i had to go through the period of time where i found myself unable to sleep because i felt that i was alone.insecurity was eating me fast,munching every bit of my soul and biting hard on my beliefs of life.it was a very hard time for me to get through since i wasnt really telling my mom about it as i knew that she wouldnt really believe me.so,yes,i had to pick up the pieces of my heart with my bare hands.its a good thing that ive had experience(since they say experiences will help u get through many things as u already know what to do) but im still not confident enough.how am i supposed to stop having such insecurity and emptiness building inside me when i awfully know that there's no other remedy for such a disease aside from me handling ever inch of it?my life's a complete mess as i normally would say.i dont feel sad when im supposed to.i dont laugh and feel the happy vibe getting into my veins.i dont feel all that anymore.

am i dying?

?

2008-08-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

i HATE KITTY CATS,

i HATE CARAMEL.

i HATE NUTS IN FOOD.

I HATE FRUIT CAKES.

I HATE CHERRIES WHICH ARENT FRESH.

face it,alia.
u HATE EVERYTHING.

aaaah.

im under intense pressure at the moment.

n im bored.

i miss someone,but i dont know who.

wtf?

aahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

things ill never say.

2008-07-29T05:58:00.000-07:00

ive been sleeping late at night thinking of how much power a person can have on u and how much strength and sanity needed to overcome the wanting to look into his small,slanting eyes.i know,im pathetic,but i just cant help it.my life revolve around basically my studies,my friends,my tennis racquet and lastly,him.the cute,5'8" guy who wears those sexy red nikes and play basketball with such poise and style.oh god.the thought of him send shivers up and down my spine.i cant stop thinking of him!oh am gee.

i need the love doctor.plz help me.

life as it is.

2008-07-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

im weird nowadays.i sleep at approximately 10.30 pm at HOME.in college,i sleep around 12 am which is soo freaking early.aaaah.talk about a total change in EVERYTHING.

ive had a long weekend.having a huge fight with him and eventually splitting up sucks.but ill get through this.the same way i always survive everytime i get my heart broken.ill be okay.im just too spiky to get hurt by a guy.

sorry people.im too bored to blog now.

thus

the boring posts.

free

2008-07-19T04:31:00.000-07:00

im soaring free!!!!!!!!

im screaming at the top of my lungs.

im free.

from everything.

^^,

tired

2008-07-15T01:27:00.000-07:00

people normally change.thats a fact no one can ever disagree to.its either changing for a reason or just another new-year's-resolution gone totally too late to save but too important to cut out from your life.(at least,that is what i think changing is)

At the moment,im feeling utterly dull.my good friend said to me the other day that some bitches have started complaining about my personality and well,my too-much talking mode.wth?its been no more than two weeks and these people are already talking?wtf is wrong with the world?get a life,bitch!its been hardly a month.basically no one knows anyone yet.although they might have been the best of friends in their previous school,it just doesnt change the fact that everyone changes,regardless of how much or how little.(im bored.very very bored that i end up blogging for no proper reason.)
whatever.anyway.

The weather here in seremban is somewhat confusing.it rains non-stop today.it doesnt rain even a drop tomorrow.its not only confusing,its making my heart beat basically too slow or even too weak to be considered as a constant and healthy heartbeat.again,as u can see here,im currently typing things that are 100% not me.oh yeah,before i forget,the food here SUCKS.ow god.and to think that food is my ultimate turn on.fuhh.so much for good food.i went home last weekend.my mom said i looked better.i dont really know to what extend is the 'better' word is true,but i do know that it is urm,more or less pure honest opinion from her.its not the better on the basis that i look prettier or whatever,but what she means is that i look a bit smaller.lol.maybe.=)

waaa

2008-07-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

i am at the moment sitting on a chair and like staring at almost everyone who passes by.i am currently in front of the convenient store(so CALLED).its recess and im dead bored.im having a mental and em0ti0nal break down as im trying to piece out my life here kms.aaa.chemistry,physics and maths.ONLY THREE subjects.more like 3 causes of severe migrain.haha.well.im not really feeling good about everything that has been going on.hey.ive g2g.tke cre evry1

everything to me.

2008-06-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

from afar,i could see him walking towards me.i tried to calm myself,but my stomach was doing the most pathetic somersault that i could've vomited at that particular coordinate.my heart was beating as if i had entered a triathlon. his soulful brown eyes greeted me with the warmest 'hello' as we made eye-contact.his smile was genuine,his face authentic.ive never felt THAT nervous in front of a guy.OMG.what now?

help.

hahahha.

2008-06-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

What Nurul Alia Ahmad Rujhan Means

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.

And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.

You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.

You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.

You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.

You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.

People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.

You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.

You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

a tribute to her.

2008-06-26T05:55:00.000-07:00

thursday,26th june 2008
2055 hours

i fight with her countless of times a week,let alone a month or a year.ive screamed in her face for hundreds of times when all she did was tell me i was wrong without even having to shout at me at all.ive made her cry thousands of times,both happy and sad tears.ive had her spend thousands of cash on my phonebills and my clothes and still i can never make her heart smile for even a second.ive had undergone her 'silent treatment' and it wasnt pretty.no matter how many times we have fought in the past,how many more rows that we will ever get ourselves into in the future,she will always be my EVERYTHING.she's my best friend,she's my MOTHER.

she's number one in my life.at the moment,she's watching tv and im holding back tears.i dont want to leave her,not now;not after we've spent so much time together talking.im going to miss her.

**the best MOTHER award goes to her**

^^the best of friend award goes to...HER^^

i love u,ibu!

2008-06-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

wednesday,25th june 2008
2220 hours

looky here,world.im going to be honest.n NOT JUST HONEST,im going to be plain,sheer FRANK.PEOPLE.i DONT WANNA GO AWAY!I DONT WANNA GO AWAY!im gonna mish my green room,my white,queen-sized bed.im gonna miss my beautiful beautiful tv.im gonna miss my ALMOST-PERFECT mom,my MOST PRACTICAL dad,my TOO-STRAIGHT beautiful brother,my NO-TALKING-AT-ALL brother.in short,im GONNA MISS MY LIFE WITH MY FAMILY.i bet u rm1000 that im soo gonna cry when my mom says goodbye next tues.im soo gonna miss my youngest brother.n the OTHER BRO.ur not alone in this**thats what i tell myself n everyone else**.im actually trying to prepare myself alot both physically and mentally,trying to convince myself that things will turn out fine.once again,im going away from home,just like i used to for the last 5 years.i dont wanna go away.im soo not ready to take risks again,to reach out for the stars when im not surrounded by my comfort zone.

i just cant blog anymore.im soo gonna CRY!

bite!

2008-06-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

monday,23rd june 2008
2339 hours

the definition of the word "eating" generally,is the process of consuming nutrients for the purpose of providing the essential needs to a living creature.(i referred the previous statement from wikipedia.com).since most people would always use a few sources as reference to get a more wholesome understanding,i had referred to my own dictionary yesterday."the alia rujhan dictionary and thesaurus,volume 18"(since im already 18 and people say that u learn new words and things every year) .and u know what i found out?"eating" means...

a)eating because ur just plain bored.most people apparently eat when they are bored.when u watch boring movies in the cinema,ur mouth will be too busy munching on ur popcorn,u wouldnt even realise of how bad the movie is.and they say buying popcorn's a waste.on the other hand,when u watch horror movies or other cool movies,i bet that u never really finished ur popcorn.u know why?ur too busy panicking or screaming that all ur popcorn apparently spills(pity the janitors or cleaners).so there u go.the use of FOOD!haha

b)eating because ur famished.this is definitely a MUST.just like when ur sleepy,uve gotta sleep.its just that.nothing more.i dont really have to elaborate more i think.i mean,what more must one say about such an OBVIOUS statement?we are human arent we?we arent stationary objects without the needs of food,water and air,are we?

c)eating because uve got deep and overloaded pockets.haha.i love this part.normally,being normal people,when u have a lil extra ka-chings $$$ u would definitely go out and have dinner or ur meals at a fancy restaurant.places where a bowl of chicken broth would basically cost u RM 16.00 and places where u have to pay up to 20% extra for government tax and service tax when the waiters and waitresses dont really do much but serve u ur meals and thats just it.u even have to STAND UP AND PAY instead of normally sitting and asking for the bill.**oh brother!**its funny that sometimes people are so into going to expensive places and paying a bomb for their meals when in real life the food were all being bought at some cheap local wet market and wouldve only cost a mere RM 10.00 MAX if u go eat at kedai mamak.what a pathetic lifestyle we have!(hahaha)

d)eating because u want to.this is the other thing.i dont really know how to explain since eating because u want is a cross section between wanting to eat because ur hungry , having to satisfy ur cravings for such food and ALSO,having to eat because u just want to munch.its a little confusing i know,but im trying my BEST to really describe this catergory with beautiful words i can possibly craft.i think i failed,but its a good thing that i made effort to.=D

and finally

e)eating is a way of living.haha.i think im one of the people from here.yesh-yesh,i live to eat.its a way of living.for me,the different tastes of the food i eat actually reflects other cultures and their lifestyles.the curry(indian food) shows that they are very careful people,very creative people who make use of such varieties of spices and coming up with such a unique taste of food.the sambal belacan!ah...the popular malay "sauce" id say.it proves to the world that the malays have taken the step forward in coming up with different ways to eat vegetables.the chinese dim sum.it shows of how buns and pau can be such a charming piece of food on the plate and highly demanded by people around the world.cheese,pastas,tomatoes.everything!everything carries their own symbol that represents the cultures of the world

haha.how's that for an explanation?cute?i think that i might be able to really sell a good thesaurus after all.haha.yeah.i just think the best thing to do in life is to travel.go to good places.enjoy good food.and experience it all with good friends.perfect equation(thanks Miss Rodhiah and Mr Razmi.im soo talented and destined to be good friends with the subject CHEMISTRY).

the equation should be like this:

travel to a GOOD place+eat GOOD food+experience with GOOD friends=THE BEST VACA ever.

dont u just agree?ah.the wonders of life.

food.cultures.language.knowledge.family.(ill say this,maybe,MAYBE money,but it just doesnt give u the long-term satisfaction.lol)

u know what i plan?i plan to have a good career later.a good family.a descent house,a 4WD,an MPV,a 2-seater and a normal car.then,when ive got all that,i want to go touring the globe.i wanna become my own globe trekker,my own chef at home,my own sugar.i wanna do something that others may dream of doing.but thats the difference.they DREAM about doint it ALL.i LIVE it ALL.

i hate her.

2008-06-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

monday,23rd June 2008
2230 hours

its funny that i can finally post a new blog after such a long time ive been so-called invisible to the blogging-scene.at the moment,im pissed and thats why my hands are happily dancing on the keyboard instead of just pressing the "backspace" button on the keyboard.so much for trying hard to blog.well.like my best pal said it earlier in her blog,its funny that u can really enjoy blogging when ur pissed,but not making any progress when ur happy makes it weird.im so not in the mood to blog like the usual blog posts i would write.this time,its gonna be really dull.so if u decide to keep reading,id like to warn everyone..n i mean EVERYONE..that this post isnt gonna be pretty or nice or amusing.its gonna be almost revolting and most probably repelling.the current feelings im having at the moment is a result from previous events which i just cannot and refuse to tolerate anymore,and these too,are the normal issues i just cant STAND handling!

no.1)the girl's just too obsessed with her boyfriend that she even does his friendster profile.the girl's commercialising her relationship with her boyfriend too much which is such ICK!.the girl's too absorbed with him that even bribed him to stay with her by having some sort of one night stand or something.the girl's too posessive that she doesnt even allow her boyfriend to text his old classmate who actually HELPED HIM WITH HIS ADDMATHS AND CHEMISTRY.yeah.such a bitch.u know why?if u ask me,its easy.she's got no beauty outside.she's not a bombshell.she can't speak english that fluently.she can't dress up all nice and sassy.she's an imbecile,an embarrassment to the society.she's not smart.AND MOST OF ALL,she's got no dignity or even pride anymore,that's why she's clinging too much.

no.2)the girl(referring to the no.1 situation)keeps getting into fights with her boyfriend's ex.since she was OBVIOUSLY the "rebound-girl",she felt threatened.who wouldn't when his ex apparently is SMARTER,HOTTER,A BOMBSHELL,N IS STILL A V-I-R-G-I-N(spelt with capital LETTERS)who is currently on the "MOST WANTED LIST" for basically most of the guys she meets.she's funny and she's very humble.HAH!no wonder the current gf is soo pissed off!she cant accept the fact that she's not good enough!haha.funny.the ex has already moved on and now apparently single but NOT AVAILABLE,n rumoured to be dating some of the hottest seniors.i pity the current bitch,but i'd just have to enjoy the drama while i still can.(apparently that bitch is trying to pick on ME,since ive been so protective over the ex since she's a great friend of mine)

no.3)the fact that boys will be boys is the other thing.my good friend's gf has been complaining to me,telling me this and that about how my friend has been flirting another girl in their college(pity my friend,he's gotta be in the same college with the BITCH gf).she asked me for advice.so i gave her.but well,being such a stupid person,she's refusing to hear me out.wth?u asked.i answered.but u wouldnt wanna hear me out WHEN I HAVENT EVEN SPOKEN A WORD.god!whats happening to the world?!argh.i told her to not be stupid and to leave him before she gets her heart broken,but she refuses.i know its hard,but dont u think u deserve more than that?OBVIOUSLY I DO THINK HIGHLY OF MYSELF IN THE SENSE THAT I THINK I DONT DESERVE SUCH A TREATMENT WHEN IVE BEEN PLAYING THE ROLL OF HIS GF SPLENDIDLY.but well,she's a person.mind me,i forgot.so well.i ignored her for quite sometime.she tried reaching me out,but i insisted on not talking to her.(i can be a bitch sometimes,i know)now?i got a text from my friend,saying that he misses his ex.HAHAHAHAHHA.its soo obvious that she's a rebound.AGAIN.silly her to have fallen.

no.4)its funny how the people nowadays are.its everything about who's got more blingbling and who's got the hottest bf around.what about who's got the best sponsorship or the best place to study?i mean,i have to admit that i would love having the hottest guy wrapped all over me with a cute pink ribbon and a card saying,"im URS for the keeping",but i just dont think relationships at this age would really last.im not being skeptical or anything,but ive seen many people break up,even after YEARS of being together.coming from a person who's had 22-previous boyfriends,i think im making sense.ALOT,too.love is something that is too expensive to have.its an investment.having to call,text him on a regular basis.having to always show him that u care.always having to care for him.its difficult especially when ur studying.its good that some people can juggle the obligation of being someone's gf and being a student,but i must say,its very difficult and tiring.UNLESS of course,u have a boyfriend who understands and who is also studying and understands how u are.thats really nice.who wont be screaming in ur face when u tell him that ur the only homo sapien with XX chromosomes in ur study group.AH-HAH!gotcha.if u get that kind of man,uve soo scored the JACKPOT!thats such a dream guy.haha.but well,some like their boyfriends to be possessive,but i dont think ive ever encountered such a person before.whoever likes it that way,RING ME up!id love to get to know such a person who is willing to sacrifice so much.(NO,im SERIOUS people)

look.since im very "impossible and so-called brilliant" as what my good friend used to say,ive added some solutions on HOW to really deal with people like all the above ,or at least what i think i would do if i were in any of those categories.lol

solutions:

no.1)GET A GRIP,bitch!life's never fair.who knows?maybe the dude doesnt care about u or is not as obsessed as u are about him!arent u ashamed of urself?duh.now go and wash ur face with water and look towards building something that is at the end of the day is FOR U.for u,not for him.do not attach ur happiness to something.do not attach ur happiness to ur boyfriend,a plant or a pet cat.thats just not right.its a universal law that uve gotta be happy with the way u are and the achievements uve accomplished urself.so that if ur boyfriend,ur plant or even ur pet cat decides to leave or wilt(if its a plant),u wont have such a severe heart-attack or be crying soo much like no one's business.ok?ladies,take urselves seriously.women are supposed to be treated as equally as men.we cant only be the object of desire and being the person who cries all the time when men break our hearts,can we?

no.2)the ex.its always been a great debate on how to really deal with his ex.if u know that ur bf was REALLY IN LOVE with his ex and that u think he;s being with u ONLY because he cant get over his ex,try hard to talk to him.not only that,put in more effort to win his heart IN UR OWN WAY WHICH CANT BE SIMILAR TO his previous love.be more careful,more caring.these tips work all the time.i know its gonna be hard,but definitely worth the effort.

no.3)haha.about the no.3 prob..ive been there. ive dealt with that.and know what?i won.i won in the end.haha.without even having to fight nor scream.since we are normal human beings,we tend to have flings even if we are currently in a relationship.we are apparently HUMAN.duh!so.the best way to handle it,i would definitely recommend for the girls to just ignore him.he wants ectra attention.its always like that.the person will have his fling,but at the end of the day,he'll come running back to you.so make it clear to him that ur not happy,but ull agree to what he wants.but if it gets more,ask him to pick.he'll definitely pick u.TRUST me.(ive gone through too much of these relationship thingie.i know)

no.4)haha.study 1st,then think.lol

so.there u go.my POINT OF VIEW la.i dont know about all u other people.id love to know about how u think ull handle such problems.boys?give me some advice on how to handle the guy IF he has flings.

appreaciate all ur help,people.

xoxo

tadadada

2008-06-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

sorry everyone.ive been extremely busy,trying hard to blog...but i cant.too LAZY!

maybe later.

ciaociao

xoxo

brouhaha from everyone.

2008-06-11T06:02:00.000-07:00

brouhaha from everyone. 11th Junye 2008
21:06 hours

dats it.dats right.im bored of all the loud complains and beefing about not replying to any of the text messages i received for the past few days;of such irritating shouts and yells complete with swear words and topped off with such sour and hurtful hang ups after having to admit guilt of not wanting to pick up the phone.I know and i understand perfectly that the person has already called for at LEAST 15 times in the same hour,but doesnt that CLEARLY mean that i am not in the mood of saying 'hello' and only hanging up after trying to make conversation(which is a completely dreadful idea since I seriously am very disinclined to be talking)?people sometimes are weird.the sense that people didnt wanna talk when i call them really get to me in some sort of language which i never really mastered but am really quite good at.there's this belief in mr coelho's book,"the alchemist" which states that everything in the universe is one,thus we all speak a language said to be understood by everyone indirectly;without even having to learn it through books.i think more people should read the book.,so that at least people would understand the "ehem-ehem" i make when im not into talking.

the thing is,im just too fed up with what everyone else wants from me.i have to always sacrifice my time for my boyfriend.i always have to sacrifice my time texting the people who are currently in my active10 because its a waste of a really good bargain made by the telecommunication company.ive to give up apart of my sweet 24hours chatting with people who i dont know very well but end up having fights because they would normally be natural sexists.and when its time to get some shut eye,i ask myself and muse of what happenned to the time i should be spending for my heart,my body and my soul.

the following night.again,im left to ponder.it took me exactly three months for me to actually realise of all the things i havent been feeling,enabling me to confirm that i wasnt really happy with my own time management and the fact that i dont do things because i want to,but because im obliged to do it makes me even crazier.i thought that i was inlove,but it wasnt pure ecstacy like most of my friends would say love is.i thought that i was having a great time having occasional outings with my girlfriends,but it didnt bring the kind of feeling it should have.flirting with three quarters of the guys in my phonebook didnt bring the sense of pleasure it was supposed to;especially when most of my friends were envying me cause im very good at flirting.(and i mean VERY GOOD AT IT).i considered of going to the nearest psychiatrist to get consultation with the conditions i was having and facing,but i think that it will cause a little too much ka-chings $$$ and that would not be something my mom and dad would be happy of.considering myself as a very open-minded and outspoken child,with very vocal and piercing opinions on how life should be and how she should be treated,my mom would never nod her head on such a quixotic idea.

finally!after the horrible and i mean VERY horrible break up,i should say that i could breathe.the suffocating relationship i went through for the past 6months or so really messed the person who i really was.im tired of giving him excuses everytime i text my bestfriend who actually match-made me and him(i KNOW.,very very unthankful of him).just because im his girlfriend,it doesnt mean that im totally his' or the fact that im someone's girlfriend made my guy friends off limits to the idea of contacting me.bored with all his angry messages because i couldnt reply as i was busy helping my brother with his tuition homework.im drained with all those crap that ive never had to go through before.when i talk to my friends,they were all saying;"alia.he loves u too much.its a good sign"bull crap!look at how ive been treated,and these people whom i call "FRIENDS" are telling me that its okay to be controlled?yeah,some kind of friends i have.boo-hoo.after some period of time thinking,i decided to consult my mom.i was surprised that she went through a relationship SIMILAR to mine long ago,too.very wise as she normally is,she told me to leave him if he doesnt change.clinging hard to my mother's awesome piece of advice,i did tell him.and after hundreds of chances,i decided that was it.its a little better now,but he keeps bothering me and makes me guilty again and again,but i refuse to want to care.my heart bled too much.

on the other hand,as my heart was already preoccupied with all those heart-ly problems,my friends came into my life,not to help though,but to slay my soul more and more.(NOT ALL OF MY FRIENDS,but MOST of em).the fact that my mother had to be warded for a few days made my world come to a complete halt.the fact that my brother was sick and his asthma was triggered a week after my mom was admitted shook my world from 0 straight to a 180-flat in just a few seconds.i was worried sick.i couldnt tell anyone of how i tried to remain sane with all the things my mind.it was total suicide.i keep trying to focus,trying to reply each text message i received,trying to juggle the duty of being a daughter,sister,friend and a girlfriend all in one.and somehow,i managed to keep everyone happy which i thought was a good thing and later squeezed every bit of my energy until i couldnt even recognise who i was.i never really told anyone about how hard it was,but i did use all those things just to keep my phone from buzzing too much.at the end of everyday after the series of calamities i had encountered,i didnt know who i was.my friends kept screaming and shouting when i dont pick up.i was a mess.

now,dats it!im done,after i heard the song of hullabaloo sang by a tiny voice in my head.yesh,im annoyed by the fact that all my time is given to people who arent worthy of it.my so-called friends,yeah they were such good help,i could give them an award each for being such assholes and pain-in-the-asses for having such courage to even question my being and my life.discord between my friends and i is something that ill never get over.how could they say that about my love life?how could they be so selfish to put themselves first when my mom was currently in a state of sheer vulnerability?how could they reason out my absence when my brother was in a very fragile state?how dare they!

thats why ive decided to not give any attention to my buzzing and my beeping phone.i only look forward to blogging and chatting with my close gal-pals who really are not interested with how i am and just enjoying every moment without being wasted,too polite or just a little too much.im happy that ive still got friends who arent conceited.resonant sounds from all the yelling and swearing are like on repeat-mode in my head,but for some reason,i just couldnt care less.i just wouldnt.people could just be angry with me and expect no response from me.i dawdle when i have guests in front of my door steps.i'd be poky when getting ready to go out,hoping that they'll get tired of waiting.somehow,im on cloud nine now.i think that im savouring every minute,even when im not doing anything.im just happy that i dont do things when im told to.ironically,im happy when they all scream.their pain that they suffer,is now my victory.im tired of giving in too much.from now on,im going to do whatever that is of my best interest.im the government in my world and im the revive to my pain and im the elixir to an everlasting happiness.and no one can do anything to change that.

love dove

2008-06-11T05:45:00.003-07:00

dilemma

Jun 6, '08 9:30 PM
for everyone

if u leave him,he is gonna tell the whole world wat u did.if u dont leave,ur suffocating.how in the name of beautiful heaven are u supposed to come up with an answer with a relationship like dat?he tells u he wants to change,but u know him too well to even think dat he was going to even let u have a lil freeedom,let alone CHANGE.u say to urself that if he had intended to change,he wouldve changed earlier on.u tell urself that uve given him ample time and 1000 chances for him to change,but he just wouldnt.all u end up getting is more hurt,pain,and less air to breathe in.he's a bruiser;rough,cold.but deep down inside,u know u love him more than anything.how is this possible?

he says ur his everything.he says he's trying hard to believe u.but he doesnt respect ur privacy.u tell him that ur privacy is ur prerogative;u add that changing ur email pword wasnt a crime and that u were protecting ur own privilege,n that he wasnt being fair.he hangs up,n u cry.u cry hard,u say that u hate him,but deep down inside,u know that u love him more than anything.how could this be?

ur out on a date with him.ur content and happy.but then suddenly ur phone beeped.uve received a text message from ur bestfriend;claiming that he misses u and he needed u so badly;n apparently he was crying.u feel bad.hell bad.u werent there for him when he broke up with his girlfriend,so u replied the text message;ignoring ur boyfriend just for a bit.he gets angry,n asks how could u have chosen ur bestfriend over him.u wanted to scream,but then u remember that ur at a mall.VERY PUBLIC TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT.,n u didnt wanna end up being like all those other couples that u see arguing.pathetic.u remind urself that u have ur dignity to hold up,so u smile n switched off ur phone.ur brain starts to think,,if it wasnt for ur bestfriend,u wouldve never met ur boyfriend.u tell ur boyfriend about it.he gets up from his seat and lights up a cigarette.u end up crying ur heart out,.IN PUBLIC.argh!ur angry,but deep down inside..u love him more everyday.WTF?!

u n ur mom werent in talking terms for a while since both of u were busy living lives of ur own.she then came up with this idea of a mother-daughter day out after not spending time with each other for a long time.u say YES.DEFINITELY!.its been soo long since u spoke to her about boys and food.so u go out,n u forget to tell him about it.during lunch,ur phone buzzed violently n almost dropped onto the floor.u make an excuse to go to the toilet.ur mom wasnt happy,but she pretended to not see what had happenned.u call him back,n he was practically furious.u told him that u needed time-out for dat day,since it was ur mother-daughter day.he hangs up.how selfish!u were only out with ur mom!fuck him!argh!
ur angry,n ur mom's not happy about u n him.ur angry.but u know that u love him.how?!

that my frens,are situations which i had read somewhere i cant remember n some are from my own experiences with love.complicated?VERY.

bite me

2008-06-11T05:45:00.001-07:00

mnm's anyone?!

Jun 1, '08 10:09 PM
for everyone

mnm's.my one and only companion when the night turns a lil too dark and when the stars refuse to shine abruptly.my one and only friend when my enzymes ache for food but my tummy declines instantly as it remembers the so-called 2008-resolution(DIET.with capital D-I-E-T) that i never reALLy follow.(n its already been half a YEAR).yesh,people.i ADMIT.i EAT MY HEART OUT WHEN NO ONES LOOKING.yes.dats right.im guilty of not keeping my words n resolutions,but then again,the food..they like..TALK TO ME.i swear.

just now,around like 2.30pm,eika picked me up from my house(YES.she DROVE.n NO,she drove smoothly n YES,i got my license FIRST,n NO,im not allowed to drive AT ALL.period.).so,we went for so-called LUNCH at secret recipe(after having to get thru like hundreds of people flooding Ou which i thought was very unappropriate as it wasnt malaysia's GRAND sale or any PRADA-FENDI-LV-CK or all those high-end designer goods' sale.)but it was a weekend n i cant blame PEOPLE who HAVE BEEN WORKING TO KEEP THE COUNTRY'S ECONOMY ON THE MOVE AND ON THE RISE OR the type-5 PEOPLE(plz refer to my previous blog entry) for wanting to go out for a nice shop after a hard week's work.I wasnt really into anything as i was full,so i ordered one slice of the famous oreo-cheese which had fewer oreo chunks than it usually had.(oh yeah,i almost forgot.THE WORLD HAS FOOD ISSUES.no WONDER the oreos are like soo little now)well,anyway..eika ate like this HUGE(i mean HUMONGOUS)fried rice with prawns the size of baby lobsters(n i thought the world had FOOD ISSUES.?guess seafood is excluded since animals mate,dont they?of COURSE.i wouldnt know what we would ONLY HAVE WITHOUT ANIMAL MATING.-ew.cut the crap alia.)but,anyway...urm...we just sat there n we talk..talK and...what else?talk.well,im just not gnna reveal the topics we spoke off,but i could say that it was pretty interesting that we were dwelling of the same thing over and over again although it had been a week ago.(people hold grudges,u know?at least,i DO).

well,we payed the bill n walked out.(duh.takkan nak tidur kat sana kan?)where we were going,no one knew.i was ablaze by the fact that we were going window shopping.i really wanted to browse around so dat later ill be able to tell my mom about all the exciting things i saw n end up asking for some extra ka-chings $$$ to go shopping.we stopped at a few places,but nothing really demanded my full attention UNTIL we went to this huge shop called,Nichie/??nichiie??sorry.cant spell it.but the shop was MARVELLOUS.clothes ranging from normal,cliche blouses to very vogue,couture designs.hiphop,trendy to sassy clothes for spring,and summer.very3 stylish.n all of that..the price ranges from around,,im not really sure but i saw one unique blouse for only 39.90(in RM.mind u)so yeah,people,GO SHOP THERE!for all those forever 21 fans out there,the shop's also having this GRAND sale.O-M-G.i could hardly breathe walking in there,so MANY women with such sophisticated sense of style.wow!

then.it came to me.(FINALLY BACK TO THE FOOD TOPIC).as i was walking about halfway towards the ou new wing,it hit me.my tongue danced with such grace as my tastebuds made this twitching as if they were trying to taste something.at first,i found it rather amusing than taking it seriously.but then,somehow,my mind projected this image which consisted of this PARTICULAR equation:

main ingredients/materials:

small-grained rice + sliced fresh cuttlefish + wasabi + shoyu + green tea=YUMMY!

apparatus:

chopsticks,tissue,ur bestfren with pepsi,menu,MONEY $$$.

(i know.im SOO GOODD AT CHEMISTRY,i think dat im just made for the subject)

n then..i persuaded eika to go to sushi king.being a TRULY UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEING WHO ALSO HAVE CRAVINGS FOR FOOD,she agreed.ah.i L-O-V-E u eika.swear to GOD I do.**wink wink**.as i stepped into the restaurant,i could see the sushis on the conveyor belt,all on their different coloured plates,helding out their small hands,eyes(???) so wide and happy,screaming "EAT ME" so loud that my mind only thought of..EATING SUSHI!!!!!!.eika,on the other hand,was just walking behind me n had diz im-done-n-im-full look which made the sushis kept quiet.(like i said,SHE ATE ALOT already)lol.so,we ordered our drinks...n...i ate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (^^,)

see?i just dont know why.people like me,njoy food.some other people,who enjoy designer goods(just like me,eika n manissa..i mean AFTER getting good paychecks with gazillions of ZEROs n i mean like $15,000),they would also say that all them can hear whispers n chants from all these kinds of LV bags screaming,BUY ME.im ON SALE FOR 30% OFF N I STILL COST A BOMB BUT U WOULDNT CARE COZ PEOPLE WILL SO LIKE U N ASK FOR UR OPINION SINCE U WEAR ME)hahahahha.im a complete lunatic at the moment.lol.

well.i think i need to go set up an appointment with a psychiatrist now.hahahhaha.later.no.make that,FOOD CRITICS OR FOOD LOVERS.(^^,)

-xoxo-

shorty!

2008-06-11T05:44:00.003-07:00

dogmatism overwhelms me.(duh.im alia.of COURSE IM ALWAYS a DOGMATIST)

May 29, '08 9:22 PM
for everyone

hello fellow inhabitants of the 3rd planet from the sun or should i say EARTHLINGS but apparently we have martians and venus-darlings(cause im a PROUD FEMALE).anyway.guess what?!ive finally got my hands on ANOTHER book from my favourite author(despite the fact that ive read Only one OF HIS MASTERWORK NOVELS-"the alchemist" to be precise.BRILLIANT WRITING I CAN TELL U.).paulo coelho,the ZAHIR.i thought that at first it would be like the alchemist,since that 1st book i read from his collection of bestsellers was not as thick as any other chick-lit i could ever get my hands on.haha/so much on getting my hopes high,the pages summed up to an astonishing 349 pages(a lil thick for a literature book i think,or maybe its cause i dont read many books under the same category).now i think that its somehow a drag to be finishing it.ive been reading reluctantly all afternoon,not wanting to finish it too fast so that i wont be engulfed in boredom again,but then again the story was already exciting although it was only the first 40 pages.again,another huge dilemma i have to face,dont u think so?books that are enchanting and marvellous are always books that somehow make u crave for more,although u already know that they're just as good as they get.they tend to end toooo fast.n the next thing u know,is that ur already back to ur old lifestyle;either u become:-

1)world's top couch potato(uve gotta have bits and specks of the chips uve eaten yesterday and the days before EVERYWHERE on ur couch.n YES dats and ENTRY requirement.oh,n i would recommend frito lays.they r like THE BEST)

2)numb-bottomed homo sapiens.(ppl who would likely fall into this category are those who watch all sorts of soaps n drama series and end up not feeling their bottoms as a result of sitting too much.-blame it on the advertisements,ppl!)

3)people with severe neck probs.(due to staring too much at the computer screens.being so preoccupied with online games,youtube n not to mention the counter of utube-boys know,right?duhh)

4)the tick-tock generation(people who apparently completes their 24hours by counting the hours to midnight on a regular basis.interesting,yes.but,most of em just would stare a lil too much at the clock,that i think they even develop this habit of repeating the "click" sound)

5)people with LIVES;basically doing something that may help make the nation known world wide..(EXCLUDING SPM CANDIDATES '07 WHO ARE CURRENTLY NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE FOR THE COUNTRY.its productive,NOT producing,mind u.)

well.so.made up ur mind yet?so.which category do u fall into when ur head is not hid behind another sophie kinsella or cecillia ahern paperback booK?me?well.lets see.i think im EVERYTHING ive stated earlier..except for FIFTH.yes people.im not helping malaysia EVEN though malaysia and the WORLD are having food issues.n the only thing i know is to blog about my issues such as couch-potatoism,computerholics,tv-freaks,ticking nerds?oh GOD.wat are the education system teaching the generation these days??n to think that we are aiming to produce more avicennas,tunkus,kennedys,lincolns,and even einsteins.duhh.

ok.lets be frank people.ive got NO IDEA at all on what to blog about.my life's a complete MESS at the moment.n NO,i refuse to talk about it.i am baffled by too much confusion to even think of whats been going on with my inner me.lol.

hey.ill post another entry later.too bored and i think im LACKING of word n vocab.someone,HELP.lol.somehow,telling my frenz or even going to a therapist or even (maybe) a psychiatrist wont even alleviate the pain im sufferring(oh GOD.)

P/s:by the way..im REALLY SORRY that my blog title is SOOO not connected or even in the same zipcode as watever i just wrote.im just obsessed with the word.thats all.lol

"vain"

2008-06-11T05:44:00.001-07:00

life	May 5, '08 11:30 PM for everyone

hello.again.

ive just had a glass of water.so exhausted.im still sick,but i refuse to take my medication.well.i was sitting and having my cup of hot chocolate earlier today,and as i sat in the garden and stared into the sky,something hit me hard on the head.have i really lived up my life like i think i should?hurm..and technically,my mind flew off,somewhere far..n i think i sat on a bench,and just looked at everyone around me.the place was nothing like i have ever seen.hell crowded,never seen anything as pact as that place.i was guessing that it was during peak hours,but whatever.i saw,sitting in a corner,dressed up in rags and looking all filthy and pathetic,sat a little boy,clinging hard to his mother's hand as they looked up,eyes full of commiseration with hope that some kind lad would drop a penny or two.oh my.i had a tear came out of nowhere as i looked at the poor family.then,i think i felt water falling onto me.i kind of scremed since it was quite hot,and i looked up,it was a very slender lady;her right hand clutching all sorts of designer shopping bags and her other hand was attempting to wipe off the spilt hot expresso(judging by the strong coffee-ish smell)on me.i smiled politely as she kept apologising.(thank god for the manners people still had).well,whatever.then,as all the drama ended,i looked onto my right,and saw a very busy man i'd reckon,based on how he was always into his buzzing blackberry and his ringing cell phone.he wore a really nice tux,id say from Armani and had gorgeous Marc Jacobs on his feet.wow.what bling bling he had!from nowhere,a few people came up to him,and started taking out PDAs and kept telling him his scheduled appointments and his cancelled anger management classes.a huge limo arrived and he stood up and got in.in a blink of an eye,he was gone.i stood up,intentionally to drop 5quids into the poor little family in the corner only to notice that they were gone.so,i strolled down the sidewalk which by-passed so many designer boutiques,namely Prada,Fendi,Gucci,Chanel..i saw people who mooched(window shopping) and some who were buying stuff from those places.then,i bypassed a few little girls who were selling cookies to get their cats a home.aww..i smiled and i bought a few boxes.it didnt really matter of wther it would taste good or not,,.it mattered of whether the cat finally got a home or not in the end.

********************************************************************************

my youngest brother called for me as i was so into my imagination.i finally got back into my consciousness when he pinched me.haha.funny.omg...that dream...that poor family...that cat...that guy..that all-designer lady....i wonder of whether they ,the lucky ones are thankful that they've got sooo many things others dont have.that boy and his mother..will they survive??do they have enough to eat?wat about that cat?did it finally get ahome?a new litter box??what about everyone else in the world??some people are soo busy spending..what about saving??what about all the food we throw away after everymeal just beacuse we refuse t eat leftovers?what about all the time wasted to emphasize on our careers only to come back to a very cold and empty house?what about family?what about friends??what about everything that used to matter once?what about donations instead of spending soo much on something that ur most likely not wear in 19years time??how about helping just one child by giving a single penny?what happenned to manners??what happenned to relaxing and enjoying life as the days pass?what about everything that matterred soo much to everyone once??life will never be lively..if we dont take into account of all these important and essential things.ive made a vow to help make this world a better place;even tho what ill be giving is only a smile..wont u??

boo.

2008-06-11T05:43:00.002-07:00

vain.adrift.fool's errand.

May 5, '08 10:52 PM
for everyone

at the moment,im feeling a little sad n depressed.im apparently trying to argue with my dad pertaining my opinions on how he should treat me,but thats just heading towards a blind alley.its quixotic u know,trying to reason with a person who doesnt share anything in common(aside from the same house,the same compound area,the same toilets and the same couch,remote and all sorts of other stuff ur parents buy and end up sharing with u).yeah,u got that rite.he is SOOO DIFFERENT than my mom.im a bit more outspoken than my brothers.yes,im the eldest and i guess ive got my own modus operandi on how to handle my issues.my mom,brought me up in an environment where i am allowed to question and query.my father on the other han,doesnt njoy having me around much as he had to sacrifice him being himself which included mostly screaming when beckham couldnt score a goal when he takes up a free kick,and swears at politicians everytime they made stupid statements that are complete lies.being in my environment meant being all-nice,never screaming and only speaking in english,and definitely,not making swear words as household words.(i think that my dad blames my mom for bringing me up to become a little too much when it comes to express my inner-angst and my inner thoughts.).ive been living for the past 18yrs++ with my whole family to reallly know the impact of wat had been taught to me for each passing moment.yes,ive had i think the most number of rows with my mom and my father to really say that parents are never really perfect;like all those traditional stuff which were taught to most kids in the world.(no offence,im just expressing what ive found out).parents are still human beings with flaws.when it comes to me n my mom,yes we fight but in the end,we both admit that we were both wrong and the fact that we made all those mistakes.but thats just it.sometimes,i would apologise first and sometimes she would.when it came to my dad,well..dats just never gonna happen i think.my father,as ive said earlier doesnt really think that he'll ever be wrong,which bugs me ALOT.i hate the fact that he'll never admit he's guilty of spilling the milk on the sink,making spelling mistakes and forgetting to ensure that the toilet seat is up.argh!men and their egoes!(thats what my mom would telll me to cheer me up).ut i guess at the end of the day,he's still my father.i know that he wants to admit it but he's alittle too proud,dont u think so?hm..whatever.anyway.ve gotta run.just for a few mins,ill keep u posted.ciao

2008-06-11T05:43:00.001-07:00

forced EMPATHY.(wat the??)

May 4, '08 10:03 PM
for everyone

hello dearest blog.ive been trying to write,but somehow everythime i press dat lil butoon which says,.'Save & Publish'..it seems that sumhow...it will just..go.."Page not found" n etc.BLANK.BLANK.BLANK.duhh.hey!!!!!!!!!!!!.oh yeah..i got my freaking upu thing..i got my FIRST CHOICE =].i know u can tell.im DAMN HAPPY.very3 happy.duh.my bestfren,amoi..well,she got the same thing as i did..so yeah!!!!playing tennis together,n definitely striving to score in law matrix will be apart of my life later on..what>??MARA??owh..im not really sure..rumours were moving around;saying dat the results will be out by the 7th of may,but u know how they are.,dont u??*ehem ehem*.well.at the moment...im facing a major crisis with my innerself..but i think in a few days' time,ill be alrite.ive been trying to figure out of whther or not im gonna be upset if i DONT GET that MARA thing.!!!!(yes,i dont have to be reminded dat ive got ISSUES pertaining my inner-ME.n NO,im not really planning to have an appointment scheduled with ANY DOCTORS OR COUNSELLORS;.mind u.)well.wat ever.everyone's been saying that there's always a silver lining to everything dat happens in life,rite??well.u know wat i figured out lastnite??

1)if i GET MARA..ill get a CAR.yesh.a very normal car.a BASIC car.it will bring me from point A to point B.(yes2,i know dat ill be the one driving it la)

In case 1:silver LINING=I GET to go overseas later.so i dun need a GOOD car.

2)if i DONT GET MARA..ill get a kinda like,good car...like swift...or myvi..or all those kinda cars

in case 2:silver LINING:ill get a GOOD car,.hehh

see???n my mom says im not thankful with wat ive got.DUHHH.look at me.im sooo big now.i even know how to come up with such statements dat i dun think my mom wouldve ever thought of.ahh!!!>...the beauty of being smart n impossible..LOL.

again.issues with my love life.ew!(im making it sound as if its something!i mean..a LIVING being..with eyes to see,with bowels to use,n with a huge trapper like mine.)hahahah.omg.i dunno wats been going on in my brains,..but sumhow..i feel...VERY MUCH..alive??!!(i have been living all this while,havent i??)hehh...ALIA!!!compose urself,girl!........*ehem2*im alrite.at least.im ALIVE.hahaha.apparently i think its the sunburn ive been experiencing for the past few days dat has been driving me to act like a total imbecile,...dont u think so??ok.no.maybe imbecile isnt a very strong word for me to use to describe my illness at the moment.maybe,,erm...AMOEBA??hahahah.

right.about what ive been doing for the past few days...erm..lets see...do u consider trying to hurt ur youngest bro as an activity??if dat is,id say dat i spent more or less...48hours trying to strangle him..(but not to death la...sbb then i wont have anything BETTER to do for the next few months.ahha)..n erm..i was in bukit merah a few days ago..so yeah,we went to echopark..i think for erm..a CONFIRMED 4 times in 2 days..(even the person who sold the rabbit pellets recognised us,n i'd say the guinea pigs there at pet's park kinda got my scent-heiress,paris hilton-and came screaming in their own way everythime i arrived.i think its the very chewing-gumMY scent.i dunno.i hope not.i just dun wanna run around the world having guinea pigs following me around n screaming in their urm,ODD voice.lol)yeah.well..i spent exactly rm 25.96 for the ANIMAL FOOD ALONE.(since its jimat n senang kira now,i saved erm..1sen?thats good,right?i know i know.im P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C.lol.)yesh.oh yeah..i took a snap with this reallly sexy BURMESE PYTHON.OMG.drop dead gorgeous.if i had to save my bro or the python,id rather save THAT PYTHON.LOL)...ARGHHH,...im outa ideas.ill blog in later.ciao dearies...

xoxo

-alia-

*living and apparently praying hard so dat diz time this blog entry WILL BE POSTED"

lost.broken.

2008-06-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

lost.broken.

Feb 7, '08 11:52 AM
for everyone

dear blog,
im writing again in u as usual,cause ive had another rough day.its not actually just a rough day,its more than that.its more to urm,the act of tearing myself apart.thats what i think it is.well,ive just broken up with him lastnight,at approximately 6.11pm on the 6th of feb 2008.,n im really telling u,i dont think dat im going to make it.i dont think dat ill be alrite.i xthink that ill survive my break up.i dont think dats gonna happen diz time.it wasnt dat bad,really,but it hurts like hell n i didnt knoe dat i wouldve cried for 9whole HOURS.its barbaric i knoe,but im just soo confused.i love him.really do.more than anything,but i guess that my mistake made him really pissed.n i lost him.forever.lost him for eternity.shit.im nothing without him.at d moment,im just sooo fragile,n im paranoid.im worried dat ill never be able to find love again,never get the chance to really get through another night with him,never ever get over this break up,n ill never stop crying myself to sleep.love is never something to be taken lightly.oh god.what am i saying?im not even making sense at d moment.well.ill just post another entry maybe when i am NOT THAT fragile n mybe when im really alright n ok,n maybe when im done piecing my life n my heart back together as trying to piece only HALF of urself is not something dat's easy to do.if ur reading my post n uve got half of ur other self with another beautiful soul,tell urself how lucky u are n tell ur partner how much u love him/her.dont u ever take the other part of u for granted.never ever EVER do that.try listening to the song "never too far" by mariah carey,..indeed,its a beautiful song..n that's how im feeling at the moment,except that the fact that she made it sound soo beautiful but it really takes up lotsa n lotsa courage to really get over someone dat u really love,someone u really care about,.someone who could finish ur sentence,someone who would tell u how much he/she loves u and how much they need u,how much u mean to them.its really...SICKENING to lose them..really..but well,life's never fair n dats just how it is and u really have to be as determined as ever to get through this..even if would hurt u,even if u'd bleed much much more,but yeah,uve just gotta go through with everything.i had the most miserable sleep lastnight..i had the most sickening time of my life last night.i had the most tearful moment in my whole entire life.but ive never regretted that i had him.ive never regretted that he loved me.that i loved him.yeah, it hurts,but ive never regretted even a tear that i had cried for him...n ill always pray that he'll get someone btter..or mybe he would come back to me..but guess dats just alittle too far away..its okay..i keep telling myself that all our memories will always remain in my heart..till the very day i die...i will always love him..n ill always wait for him..till the day my heartbeat would stop..n that will be the day that i will stop waiting...

life's never fair

2008-06-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

it's exactly 25minutes dat ive spent only staring at diz blank page.my fingers had been dancing reluctantly for d past period of time on the keyboard,trying to write something about what exactly dat im feeling at diz very moment.my emotions r well,unclear n im certainly full of confusion.i need to get my mind off watever dat im supposed to.im feeling very dull at d moment,u know..d eerie feeling dat u get when u cant sleep or u think dat there's something enormous hiding under ur bed or cupboard..those kinds of thngs...but m not exactly scared of those things..im just scared of where life's taking me n all d adventures im going to meet,..of all the triumph n disaster n catastrophe n laughter n happiness n all those kinds of things dat id have to face sooner or later.its dificult u c,being me.ive been at home for almost a month now,n all dat ive been doing only include sleeping,eating,talking,crying,laughing,n surfing d net.n not to forget d enormous rows ive had wif my parents,let alone my ounger brothers.argh!i just cant stand it staying at home for a little too long.a job seems to be agreat thg for me to do n for d least,try to stay away from my familia,but my parents arent allowing n they r not keen of having their one n only daughter to start working.whatever.n the feelings dat i have for this guy,oh,.u knoe..d one i call Les Paul..yeah,well it keeps getting stronger n stronger n im actually sick with it.im helpless without him n its making me be as if im a child,in need for the touch of someone who would caress me wif utter and undying love.eww.see.i told u.im sick!i talk as if im shakespear,only dat i dun use classic english.argh!as for all i knoe i think im badly,madly,truly n deeply in love wif him.n apart of me screams n keeps on telling me dat i shouldnt fall 100% for a guy.argh!n see??u read my blog post urself...ive been talking for i dunnot know how long just to express my unconditional love for him which i have never done before!its sickening i tell u!arghh!..anyway...bout my OTHER current feelings ,..well...im just not gonna touch on dat.id be revealing my severe Multiple Personality Disorder even more..n im just not gonna get into dat.btw,i think i need to go and c a psychiatrist.hahaha well..anyway...im worried sick pertaining d idea of me n whats gona happen to me in 10 yrs time...will i be married to someone by dat time??will i still be waiting n waiting n waiting??or will i be an absolute success,wif a huge law firm or any firm n wif a multi-million dollar contract wif some big names in d country??(i knoe dat was a bit too much,..after all,,id only be 27 by dat time)haha...but well,yeah...my dreAMs keep going further n gurther..but well,,here comes d bad part.what if i turn out to be a COMPLETE failure?oh gosh...all i can picture now is dat if i fail..ill end upliving in d streets u knoe??wif all rags n all those bullcrap u see in movies about poor n homeless ppl...(except dat we dont have snow here in msia makes a HUGE diifference XD)..well..i think im over-doing the what-i-think-will-happen-to-me-in-10-yrs-time thing..but..i dunno,..hey..i gotta run.ill keep u updated about what n how im doing later.loves n thanx for reading...muah30!