Sunday, November 13, 2016

Phantom

Every night before,
You'd trace my jawline,
And watch me slumber,
You'd tell me your secrets,
and brushed me off my sins.

But tonight,
You said goodbye,
You couldn't explore my faculties anymore,
You told me the devil found out,
and that there wouldn't be us no more.

Now,
I stand quietly,
Overlooking the unoccupied bed,
An overview of the whole room,
Sobbing silently,
Swearing effortlessly,
As the invisible figure approaches,
Kissing my cold cheeks and whispering,
Words of love and apologies

Now,
I glance from afar,
That invisible figure disappears,
Traveling through the night,
Ending his journey near a house,
With a yellow  car parked right beside.

Now,
Far and wide,
His image comes to light,
He kisses the toddler's forehead,
and wishes the child goodnight,
Thoughts of us runs through his head,
All washed out at the sound of her voice.


Monday, October 24, 2016

Invisible

You said,
It'll be forever.
You said,
Our stars would shine forever,
You said,
Your love will be like no other,
Yeah, that's what you said.

I believed,
That love would be for eternity,
I believed,
Your heart will always be for me,
I believed,
In happy endings happy stories,
I believed,
In long term stability
Yeah, that's what I believed.

Two full moons passed,
Yet we still haven't moved.
What a lie this is!
What a shame this is!

You ought to count your blessings now,
And hold on to your sandy-white-beached dream,
Cause I,
I am not gonna be your cotton candy clouds,
I won't be your chocolate flavoured rivers,
Or ever become your empress in a tower.

So walk on and get out,
Your maps end here,
Your words can't be your staying pass no more.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Devil's play

If only,
Time were more flexible,
Memories were erasable,
Words were retractable,
You and I,
Would move along,
Never exchanging glances.

If only,
Songs were unsung,
Lyrics were unwritten,
And promises were unbroken,
You and I,
Would hold hands,
and drive around the endless roads.

If only,
You cared enough,
You loved enough,
You listened enough,
And communicated enough,
You and I,
Would still make secret plans,
And have late night take outs.

If only,
I didn't fall in love,
I didn't miss,
And I didn't know you,
You and I,
Would wonder about life,
and never appreciate tiny details.


But what ifs,
Doubts and sorrows,
Pain and angst,
All devil's play.
Life is better now,
And for that,
 You couldn't stay.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

One full moon

You were,
The sound of my heartbeat,
The relaxing stroll I take by the beach,
The sunsets and rainbows,
and the evening stars
Once upon a time.

You are, now,
The quiet strange alley I refuse to pass along,
Those screamo songs I'd curse at,
Those  faded, white walls that ruin the view
And all ugliness and pain.

All in a matter of 1 full moon.
Guess my daddy  was right.


Monday, October 10, 2016

Second to none part 3

Natalia stood in utter shock, her hands shaking as her brown eyes stared at the positive sign on the pee stick lying on the toilet floor that she had just thrown a minute ago. It was her 7th pee-stick that showed that dreaded positive sign that morning; almost convinced that all of the pregnancy test she took were all faulty; the main reason they were all on sale for $12 instead of the usual $18 (too much of a difference as far as Natalia was concerned) at the pharmacy nearby their house. Natalia was always one to be extra careful and always had extras in case she had missed her period. Being the super paranoid lady she was, having these pee-sticks at the ready to rule out pregnancy almost immediately was essential; hence the stash of them in her bathroom cabinet.

Shit. Her heart screamed.

Shit. Shit. Shit.!

Her world came to an almost complete standstill. Images of her pushing a stroller and having to juggle work via her phone on one hand, of her cleaning up baby puke that smelled of sour milk and baby rash creams, of the brunette arguing with Brandon on who should be cleaning up the baby poo,.... fuck.

How the HELL did it happened and how was she going to tell him?! He hated kids; loathed kids! She pondered and began calculating days to the morning when it happened; bloody Brandon decided to just 'wing it' without a condom DURING her ovulation time.

Jesus christ! The brunette let out a huge sigh.  Natalia hated children; she wouldn’t ever be caught dead with a stroller in a million years or wiping off snot or be driving her mini-me to football practices or ballet classes! Her mind started panicking, her body tensed a little and before she could do anything, she felt the pits of her stomach rejecting her morning snack  she had earlier and the next thing she knew was that she was puking her life out.

“Talia? You alright in there, honey?” His soft voice echoed in her ear, finally pulling her back to her current reality: It was 6:30am on a Sunday morning in The Gold Coast and Brandon had wanted to get breakfast before he hit the studio. This had always been their routine for the past one year of dating, and Natalia loved Sundays, except not today. No way was she feeling extra special, extra perfect and extra sexy.

“I’m fine, just my gastric’s hitting up, babe.”  Natalia screamed back, sounding almost convincing. She washed her mouth and face with a bottle of Evian on the honey-coloured sink, her reflection staring right back at her as her eyes met the mirror. She slapped her face a little, whispering to herself, ‘Act cool, don’t tell him, we aint keeping it anyways so no worries’.  With newly applied red lipstick and wiping off her worries, she smiled to the mirror  and went out to find Brandon.

Xxxxxx

Brandon Parker was the definition of sexy, or at least to more than half of the population of the kids at uni. He was exactly how she’d imagined a piano tutor to be (if there were even anything of that sort), with dark brown, shoulder length hair, brown rectangular Gucci specs over sleepy, bedroom eyes. Brandon Parker listened to almost every single bloody genre of music and drove a yellow, vintage, 1995 911 Carrera. It was as if he’d came out of Natalia’s 16-year old dream! Except that he was even better than that; he had dimples and perfect pink lips. He was the most well - known music student and had a kick - ass band called 'Kryptic' which played at the nearby pub in West End every Friday night.

Brandon Parker was tall, standing at about 5’9”, smelled sweet like candies and marshmallows and vanilla (clearly not), and had beautiful fingers.

Brandon Parker was as perfect as the sunset and as sexy as hell.

Natalia was smitten, ever since the first time she laid her eyes on him which was exactly two years ago; during her first year at uni. Natalia was forced to take up piano classes as an elective as a dear request for Nathan; he had silently requested her to do so ever since he found out that she had stopped playing it since their real mother died.

Their first official meeting was in her first piano tutorial class of the semester; when the lecturer Mr Ogle announced the tutor - pupil pairings. The class was only limited to about 30 seats, and they had about 10 tutors. She wasn't actually too stoked about it, but a promise meant the world to her so she tagged along with the idea.

"And last but not least, Natalia Addams?" "Ya."
"Miss Addams  you will be with Mr Parker in studio MZ06 , he will be your tutor for the rest of the semester."

The brunette nodded, before packing her stuff up and headed towards studio MZ06, located at the top floor at the very end of the corridor. Natalia almost never wanted to take up this subject. It was daunting. The rest of the kids were here to actually learn piano. Natalia knew the piano by heart; she could read scores and everything but she despised the piano more than anything.

"Hi. I believe you're Miss Addams?"
Natalia nodded weakly, almost ignoring the guy standing next to her; as her hands traced the outlines of the black and white keys.

"Alright. I am Brandon, Brandon Parker. So I'll only be tutoring you for the rest of the semester, so hopefully we get along fine." He breathed out, as he scribbled something onto his paper. He took a seat next to her, mouth half opened as he scribbled more and more.

Natalia smiled weakly, before pulling out the score of the Rachmaninoff 's piano concerto no 2. Brandon raised his eyebrows; nobody told him that he'd be teaching anyone something advanced; probably too advanced.

Natalia knew who he was, Natalia had always noticed him walking from the lakes to the studio, but at that very moment she just didn't feel like flirting or sounding interested. She just hated the piano so much and didn't seem to know or realise the intensity of the feeling until she was actually there.

"I have a fear of the piano." She blurted out, ever so casually, hoping that she didn't have to go through the usual ice breaking questions and shit.

"Oh. The irony. Then what are you doing here?" He answered; his eyes showing almost no remorse or empathy.

"My dear brother, Nathan. He wants me to learn it. I stopped playing it since.... something happened" her voice started to fade away, and then the next thing he knew was that the whole room echoed with the sounds of the piano; delicate and sad.

Brandon raised his eyebrows again, carefully listening to the girl's unsaid words. Impressed would be an overstatement,  but she could play well, though sloppy, unpolished and probably too much emotions; reckless? Whatever it was, it was very clear: she's playing too well to even be in this class.

He then proceeded to play the piano next to her as a companion;  only to be even more surprised that their chemistry was out of the roof! Sure, they weren't in sync 100%, but it was very difficult  for people to get in tune with his playing style at all and she was indeed something different. Her music sounded very..... god he didn't know. He'd just never heard anyone play like that.

The concerto ended abruptly; as most do. Both of them were breathing hard, total silence in the air. Natalia brushed Brandon’s fingers, looking at him and smiling, before packing up.

"Wh-where are you going?" Brandon uttered, looking puzzled.

"Leaving"
"But why? You played well. Probably I could write in a recommendation for you to be in advance classes"
"It's just annoying. "
"Sure. But it's such a waste"
"And why is that?"
"Your voice was very clear. I heard your thoughts through your playing."
"And what were they?"
"Sorrow. Pain. Tears. Unspoken anger"

Natalia startled on the inside, but chose to ignore the sudden argument in her head and proceeded to pack. Brandon got up and looked at the tiny brunette, her messy bun, her clubmasters resting on her head, her honey skin, her maroon-stained lips, her awkwardly formed fingers; and wondered what kind of life she had to go through for her to have played such an empowering song and making it sound so excruciatingly  painful.

"I'll see you and your band tonight. The Three Monkeys,  ey?" Natalia waved and went off. He stood there, shaking his head and headed back to the office; wondering what to explain to Ogle on why his tutorial ended an hour and a half earlier than it should've.

And the rest was history.

Xxxxxx

"You seem awfully quiet this morning. Anything bothering you?" He finally broke the silence between the two of them as he sipped on his cup of English Breakfast. Noticing that she had been awfully quiet, the brunette cleared her throat, sipped her apple juice and took a bite of her pancake, shaking her head convincingly.

"Nothing's wrong. I'm just feeling a bit feverish actually" She replied, holding Brandon ' s hand, convincing him in the process. Natalia was so incredibly happy with her life, until this morning of course. She woke up next to the love of her life almost every morning, she completed her degree a year ahead of her peers with a Grade Point Average of 6.8 and already received two job offers to work in world renowned engineering companies, volunteered on a yearly basis in Fiji and had everything going as planned.

Until this morning.

They continued talking about Brandon ' s career as a sound engineer for some time before agreeing on going their separate  ways. Brandon was an introvert surprisingly, and so he needed more time to himself than anyone she ever knew.
Natalia had needed some time off for a while since she haven't seen David in ages. Brandon, of course, couldn't know this. He was probably the most jealous person Natalia knew alive; and David was the most precious person to her; regardless of the fact that she was clearly in love with Brandon.

"Talia. If there's anything you'd like to share with me, let me know okay? I love you"

He planted a kiss on her eyebrow before leaving her at the cafe.  Natalia froze for a moment before smiling and waving back.

Shit. He knows.

Monday, September 19, 2016

The One

I have missed him tremendously it's not even funny.

Sigh. It was a good run; me and him. It's just weird that now that he packed up and left, I realised that the one that got away was never R; it was him. 

R had never left. He was always there. Watching. Learning. Concluding and moving on. 

Bedroom eyes? Sigh. One day. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Reality

Our hearts sway together,
To the song of chemistry,
In a beautiful waltz our feelings linger,
Under the pale moonlight, near the seas.

Our minds walk hand-in-hand,
Down by the beaches of sanity,
Accompanied  by sad piano sonatas,
By the cliffs our thoughts sit and drink tea.

Fate, dream destiny and hope invite us to a table,
Come, come ! They say,
The event is about to start,
Our bodies hold to one another,
As the poker game begin.

Our unspoken love are our losing cards,
Our positivity our winning edge,
Fate screams in anger,
Tells us to play separately.

We were no longer a team of two,
So we both followed through,
I actually have the losing hand,
Is this really what it's all about?

Fate tells us to walk down the plank for losing it all,
We argue relentlessly till we realised,
It was never about it or them,
Now our consciences  finally understand.

In those seas of pain our bodies swim,
Our fragile spirits drowning with regret,
I can't swim I tell you,
I will accept my death.

The fire burning within me now dim,
There is no more to blow,
With tears in your bedroom eyes,
You let me go,
And watch slowly as I sink in,

And close my eyes.

If only


If only the stars could sing,
Sing me a symphony of songs,
Songs of a parallel world,
Made of fairy gloss and diamond skies.

If only the sun could talk,
Talk to me when my heart is aching,
Aching, yearning for sunflower rain,
Eternal sunrises and fulfilled promises

If only the moon could hold my hand,
Hand-in-hand  with me as we walk,
Walk those mischievous days and painful truth,
And amend them as I'd like or just replay a memory or two.

If only the clouds could understand,
Understand that my stars have dimmed,
Dimmed the fire in my soul,
That i am too frail to brave the war.

If only the world knew,
Knew the angels I seek are awaiting my downfall,
The devils I shun are anticipating my rise
But I care no more; that is my reality!

So why bother when I can stay here;
Where time traveling is free
and leopards roam the skies,
and pixies run in glee.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Kryptic

Your ivory skin,
Feels like silk to touch,
Caresses like a warm embrace,
Lingers like the last winter breeze,
And strokes my dying core,
Breathing in life.

Your bedroom eyes,
Stares into my galaxies,
Discovers my anxieties,
Explores my faculties,
And time travels with me,
To a parallel universe.

Your lips,
They shame the red, red rose,
Subtle and sweet,
Curved into a sacred act,
Enforces with a blow.
They taste like raw berries and honey,
Cultivates little butterflies in me.

Your psyche,
A unique garden,
Full of wilting flowers,
And gloomy roads,
On unbeaten pathways,
I continued on,
Only to find in the end,
Endless summer sunrises,
Vibrant spring life,
And a pot of gold.

Your heart,
A complex maze of emotions,
A place unspoken of by the village folks,
An ice cold place to stay!
Or so, they say!
But as I approached;
It was welcoming as ever,
With hot teas and scones,
Served on broken silverware.

Your existence,
Causes commotion in this head,
You always hold out a hand,
Inviting me to dance.
I accept ever so willingly,
As it is a ticket to your realm!

In oceans of people,
I see your face,
In waves of noises,
I hear you call my name,
Oh bedroom eyes!
Your melodies and rhythm
Are just what I've always yearned for!

In these confined, squared walls,
I have found conversations with you,
And it will always suffice,
and it will be enough;
With these sweet whispers,
With every inaudible note,
We will sing our lives away
Into oblivion and chaos,
That ends with goodnight. 

This is our home



This is our home.

 Clifftop views couple majestic sunrise,
Ah! tis breakfast in itself for hungry eyes
And silent moans of the wind for dinner,
The crash of the waves, slow music at night,
The song of the hummingbirds, Melodies alight.
This, my dear, is yours and mine. It's our home.

Of tall, white walls and decorated rooms,
A brick  chimney with ole grandpa tick tock
Is where we let out  our hearts rock in dismay.
This, my dear, is our home.

Most days it lies bare and unoccupied
 by our voices, cold silence downwind,
'Tis uninhibited by you nor me,
Almost stagnant in its dark dire wake
And perpetually haunting to the view,
This house that we built with our two hands,
Seemed to be another house on the cliff.
But this, this dark silence,is our home.

Despite the lavish furnishing,
 Beautiful vintage Victorian king bed,
Rust prevails in the pipes with stale water,
We only just filled our glasses with.

The rusty pipes, they all secretly leaked,
Betraying a faint smell of dank stale air,
and discreet fumes of dust that we inhaled,
You pace to and fro in the unknown room,
Feeling lost in your own silent, stale house.

The white walls are now covered in moss,
Termites feasting on our wooden floors,
You whisper to me in the faintest breath,
No child, yours or mine, would ever live here.

Apologetic and sympathetic,
You subtly hint a merciful option,
Leave for another house,
Search for another home,
This is all this house can ever be,

Just another house,
Just a spot to rest your head while I dress,
This puppet can never be a true home.

 It will always be, forever only
Emptiness, never whole

Written  by: Megara Reno
Proofread/edit by: AA


No more



White walls and bleached sheets,
Muffled sounds from the downstairs street,
The dim lights and polished floors,
And everything in between.

Ivory skin and maroon lipstick,
Tattooed kisses and stolen moments,
Racecar heartbeats and intense glances,
It was time.

Touch of heaven,
Bodies intertwined,
Greeted by anxiety,
Started in simplicity.

Silent cries,
Ended with sincerity,
Wholesome with patience,
We are complete. 

The sheets now crumpled,
Pool of whites on the floor,
Desires fulfilled,
Hearts at ease,
Though  tears uncontained.

Innocent laughter,
Excellent supper,
Appealing conversations,
This is the silent life.

Key cards and chained doors,
Your silent pathways to happiness
Temporary vacation from that empty bed.

Delicate stares and mellow moods,
Pain and hurt you feel,
An abnormal loneliness I discovered.

Half awake,
Naked mind and clueless soul,
You walked out,
Heart empty no more.





Evening star



You are the last evening star,
To crash into the waves
Your soul delicate and bitter,
To the taste

With the promises of wondrous words,
And marshmallow dreams,
You force on,
For there must be a final song
In the end.

Discard your desires,
Clutch on to what's been said,
Linger and linger,
Until there is nothing left.

Your search will come to a halt,
Reality hits you in the face,
You head back north,
Where it all began,
and mock the fairies silently

You head on to shine,
Though heartless and pained,
As the last evening star again

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Second to none part 2

Trying to come to her senses, Natalia washed her face with the ice cold Evian  water  from the mini bar. It was 2:45 am in the middle of winter in Melbourne city; where the outside temperature was feeling like it was literally a -5°C. As she opened her bloodshot eyes, she found herself automatically staring into the mirror; to the reflection of her own physiques.

What she saw was a petite brunette of about 5' 6", honey - coloured skin with small brown curls. She was still wearing the white cocktail dress from the Versace  Summer collection she had gotten from David, and had traces of make up left on her face; stains of her Red Nars lipstick tracing the outlines of her lips. She had had too much to drink from the earlier partying; something she now silently regretted.  Natalia tied her curls up into a messy bun and made her way out of the bathroom.

"I was about to wonder whether you were still alive. You were in the bathroom for 25 minutes" David uttered as he changed the channel on the telly.

Natalia rolled her eyes "Don't be so dramatic. I am indeed sad but I'm not THAT suicidal" David shrugged at the answer, before turning to the girl; holding out his arms as she made her way next to him on the king - sized bed. Natalia hugged back, as her tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Why wouldn't he call or at least tell me something?  Don't I deserve at least that after all we've been through?" Her sobs started to become apparent. David held her and patted her head, his hands gently stroking the sides of her face.

"After all those text messages, those late night calls, those random drive- outs, he could've at least told me something. He just...left me here. I really feel like I'm some high - end hooked who gets paid to just sit and wait, then when the dude comes all I do is spread my legs and give him good head! And was those shitty i love yous and i miss yous if he couldnt even tell me why he couldn't be here!" Natalia blasted out; she seemed to be irritated now more than she was of being sad.  David nodded, before telling her to cam down and that she was clearly NOT what she had described earlier. He had told Natalia even before that he wasn't quite happy with the idea of her dating Brandon.

He wasn't sure of whether it was because Brandon seemed to be what Natalia  had always wanted in a man and he was completely and utterly jealous or the fact that Brandon had a girlfriend. It didn't matter whether they were still in good terms or not (Natalia specifically used the word 'estranged') but it mattered not as they were still together and Brandon was in no way leaving her for the crying brunette in his arms. He, of course, had to keep his nose out and his opinions to himself; he had been in one of her dramas back in high school and oh boy it was one those decisions he regretted most in his life.

" Have you tried calling?" He blurted out as the atmosphere started to become a bit more relaxed again. Natalia shook her head,

"and risk Jem finding out? Yeah that's a great idea. Just be like, calling him and then since I can't call him I'll call her and just be like , hey Jem how are you! So listen if you happen to see Brandon, tell him his secret lover; yes yes Natalia Adams is waiting for him in suite no 1301 in Manta suites and Hotel in the CBD. Yes and there's also Valet parking for him to park his yellow antique VW. Thanks so much, god bless!" Sarcasm oozed through her teeth with every word she uttered. "I really thought he'd understand me the way he tells me I understand him.... Cause I really thought he did. I guess he didn't. "

David kept quiet. Natalia got up and wen to the minibar; grabbing her cold redbull, the Jaggermeister sitting next to it and a small shot glass. David raised an eyebrow, "drinking again?" Natalia rolled her eyes again; "No, silly. Trying to complete my 6th grade science project!" She spat right back as she made her Jaggerbomb drink and downed 3 shots within a mere 5 minutes.

David just shook his head as he watched her drink and drink and drink. The girl could really drink alright; it was the hangover coming later that was worrying David. After all, he was the one who's gotta clean up this mess, and knowing Natalia, she wasn't an easy cookie when she's on her hangover. She's beyond terrible and that is why he hated her when she drank.

"David. Could you hold me?" Natalia uttered, as she slammed her body on the bed. David smiled and pulled the brunette closer, kissed her forehead and hummed Pink Floyd ' s Comfortably Numb. "It'll all be okay, Talia.  It will all be alright. Just sleep." The next thing he knew was that the girl was already in dreamland.

David stroked her curls and kissed her eyebrows. 'How could anyone hurt her, how could anyone not choose to be with her?' His mind kept asking itself as he looked at her serene sleeping face. Why did he choose to be all over Brandon when she already knows he was unattainable?

 'Brandon, if only you knew how lucky you are that she chose you instead of me.' He heard his heart uttering such words, as he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Second to none

Natalia sat down quietly on the disgustingly ugly faded green - padded office chair; staring into the dim somewhat - dining room of the 2k a night hotel suite. She still couldn't fathom the fact that she actually paid 2k for such a let down. It wasn't too bad in all honesty; it was just her being picky because she wasn't actually having a great day.

Part of the suite had a small grey L- couch in one corner and a round white table surrounded by 4 office chairs; all with faded green pads which clearly required replacements. A small chandelier (or more like a horrendous patched up ball) hung over the ceiling; with polished tinted mirror - like wallpapers. Her half- eaten beef burger from room service was almost cold, her cup of darjeeling tea as well. The thermostat showed that it was 22°C but somehow it didn't feel like that to her; probably warmer.

Natalia breathed a loud Sigh as she took in another puff. It was her 15th cigarette in half an hour, and she swore by the time she checked out she would've been able to finish a whole carton at the rate she was going. She kept fidgeting on her phone, silently hoping for his text message to come through. It had been like this for the past 6 hours and all she ended up receiving were just apologies and 'see ya later' text messages  from friends who had bailed out on her earlier.

"Some kind of friends' she whispered to herself as she pressed the small dustbin icon on her phone after selecting all the unread messages. She had just came back from a soul - searching trip in the outskirts of Queensland; where the first sunrise in the whole of Australia could be seen at approximately 5:52am and decided that she needed to see him the moment she arrived home. So she called Manta suites back home in Melbourne and booked a suite for her and made plans. He had initially finalised it with her the night before and was excited as fuck to be able to see him after so long.

Clearly, that wasn't how the universe saw it and decided to change everything and make Natalia ' s day the worst kinda day. Ever.

Her mind, as usual, kept playing tricks and started questioning her decisions again and obviously caused a chain of confused thoughts and second- guessing and over thinking. Flashbacks of his sincere laugh, his awkward smiles and their witty conversations filled the corner of her already too crowded and noisy mind.

'The other woman will always suffer most. It's the guy who wins in the end' a tiny voice uttered. Pissed at herself, she got up and headed straight into the shower with her purple lace string and matching bra. It didn't matter that they had cost her 300 bucks a pair. It didn't matter that she had on make up and that her fake eye lashes from Nars would be ruined, it all didn't matter to her anymore. Her heart was shattering and her soul was breaking faster than the speed of light, her mind was still blaming her heart and her whole being was at war with herself and it was an open secret that she couldn't handle herself when she is lower than the ground.

'Guess it was all indeed fun whilst it lasted' she told herself as the warm water hit washed off her tears. It was going to be a long night.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Mindless Dreaming

747am. Saturday, 13th of August.

I should already know my place, but I still hope anyway. 

I should already have no expectations, but I still get carried away anyway.

Guess I never learn my lesson when it comes to love and people. 

I freaking hate life right now. I wish I could just live alone in my own world with my own characters and my own thoughts. 

It'll be a pretty cold, small, quiet world with emotions as the weather. With loads of marshmallow hearted not-important people and no long term commitments; where background music is apparent and clear and where hopes and dreams walk together holding hands. That'll be amazing wouldn't it? All my friends would have me constantly in their lives and never having to bail out on plans last minute, dinner dates never getting cancelled and pool parties to always happen with so much intensity and fun! I'd throw amazing themed parties and have 100% attendance ever-so-willingly, and they'd bake banana cupcakes whenever someone gets sad as we have spa sessions at home.

The lover? Always there. Always around. In his own world as well, but I'd be part of it most of the time! I'd get to laugh out loud with him as we dance to the beautiful Disney songs played by the busking band by the side of the road; he'd be playing with my hair and pulling me in closely and planting kisses on my forehead almost religiously. We'd go to the beaches together in his cute yellow car, driving as we unwinded the windows and sing Kings of Leon's Use Somebody on repeat the whole way through. He'd be able to hold my hand without reservations, without worries nor without any sort of hesitation ever in his core. We'd  argue on what music to play in the labour room in case we ever get a baby, we'd argue on who's turn was it to do laundry. No worrying of in laws disliking us, of his real girlfriend nagging about needing milk and rice, no me having to think about his timing for work and friends.,... just basically a world where I get full control of everything.  

What a load of BS  this world of mine is, isn't it? People usually would choose to have specific people in their lives....not me. I'd have to go and dictate every single bloody thing in my world; if possible to even the type of shoes the people in my world had to wear and the length of hair the lover would have. 

My world is really and completely utterly absurd! Absolute bonkers! But yes. A girl can dream. And I am about to, hopefully attain such a dream in my sleep.  

If it's one place no one can take anything away from me; it's those dreams I get when I sleep. That is 100 percent mine and there was no way I'd ever get anyone near my mind nor near my brain. That is where I live...and now looking at how things are   then I guess I ought to know when to leave this world alone and be on my own again

 A. xx

Saturday, August 6, 2016

#BedroomEyesandOtherStories

8:30am
Sunday, 7 August, 2016
Nightcall, Kavinsky
#BedroomEyesandOtherStories

Uneasy and uncomfortable, with hints of happiness and bitterness here and there were few of the feelings I sensed as we drove out out of my house. You looked sexy as hell; even with just a simple white t-shirt and faded, green army pants.  You smelled of the same old sweetness I’d come to love and recognise even in my sleep; the smell of soft vanilla and traces of caramel vape flavour. The small cabin light illuminating your fair, porcelain skin as you fidgeted for the driver’s seat adjustment button. You stood at a towering 180cm, and since we were driving my car tonight, you’d have no choice but to fix the seat or else risking the chance of braking your bones, trying to drive with the 150cm configured-seating arrangement for me.The atmosphere in the car was calm, with Pink Floyd’s Time on full blast. It was our favourite song; the song that changed my life way more than I could ever imagine

Somehow, the rendezvous tonight felt heavy, burdened. It was as though our stars refused to align and our minds didn’t want to sync. You spoke little words tonight, only stealing occasional glances at me even though I was clearly wearing your favourite 413 NARS lipstick shade. We catch up on things we rarely do via text messages; menial things such as meals eaten and shower times. We talk more on our career plans and stress levels at work as we both drive to an undecided destination. To an outsider, these are normal, everyday rituals couples go through and everyone around us would assume that we were, you and me, the perfectly happy couple movies and dramas tell about.

How I wish I could stand in their point of view rather than stay here.

I remembered the first day we said hello to one another, you being very shy and quiet, and me, as usual, being the ever-so-natural flirty, bold me. I found out that you were in the entertainment business, taking special interest in music at a very young age. I learned that you liked probably every genre of music, and liked to explore all angles and takes of music, so I introduced my favourite song of all; Time. You had heard of Pink Floyd, but it wasn’t until Time that you actually took them seriously. You began to play Time on repeat, just like how we talk over and over again in the wee hours of the nights, about music and about life in general.

If only life could remain that way, and that I didnt have to learn the actual truth of life.
As I sat there, listening to your ramblings about how those fucking jalapeno bombers will be the death of me later in the night and the superstition you had with number 6 following you all your life, I wondered what it’d be like had you and me eloped somewhere and started new lives. You know, a life far from the one we’ve only known. If only was a dangerous phrase, cause it sounds like we both werent happy with our fates,…and we clearly werent.

Our feelings had changed, in a matter of weeks. It went from being just casually flirty to being so incredibly happy when we had each others’ company, then it morphed from being just that to absolute miss-yous and wanting to hold one another and watch the night blankets unveil the sunrise. It moved from just casual text messages to clingy, unaltered and raw love notes. The chemistry was out of the roof, and it is still bloody is. It got me and you confused, since, by law of nature by every single law there ever existed, we’re both not meant for one another.

“I’m most certain that we were lovers in our past lives, and will be in the next life. Guess we can’t have that now. We cant be greedy”. That’s what you sorta said once before during one of our late night chats over the phone whilst listening to Little Joy’s With Strangers song. Everytime we spoke of it,  I felt as though a star in my night skies die and fall down to earth; making it darker than before.
I tried telling myself it’ll all get better and that I’ll be happy just for this period of time; enjoying your company and your ideals, feeling content with the fact that I get to explore your faculties and fill in those hollow chambers in your ice cold heart.  But somehow, deep deep deep down, I want more. I want oh so much more than just hellos and I love yous and I miss yous, I want more than just stolen glances in the car and locked stares at restaurants, heck I want every single bloody thing in your life. I.just.want.your.whole.world.

Damn it all, fate!

I curse silently every single time I hear her name calling you, my heart cries every time you get the call from her, telling you that she wants to go out with you and spend time at your place with your cats. It is so god damn painful to go through! Just thinking about it all makes my brain hurt, as if my core doesn’t want to understand the alien language that I’ve already come to recognise and understand.

WHY, FATE, WHY?!

Why is it that when I meet someone oh so perfect for me, you’d always come and rip all my hopes, dreams and desires apart?  I don’t find love knocking on my door step every single day of my life! Nobody understands me the way he does. My evil thoughts, my vulnerable soul, my mellow heart, my dramatic outsides, my crazy psychotic brain…nobody but him! My music, the songs I play on repeat in my ipod, my voice when I scream and moan, my tears when they burn my cheeks or stain my pillows….he’s the only one who knows and accepts me for the monstrous child I’ve always been without any questions, without any reasoning ,without asking for anything in return.

LOUD, LONG SIGH.

But I guess operating and living on borrowed time, we love and live in the moment more. Our outings are always short, but sweet and meaningful. I learn more and more about him with every sip of his drink, every bite he takes of his food, and every touch of his hand. He is way more than a moody, constantly sleepy nerd who obsesses about his work and his hair. He is my definition of imperfect, seriously. He is way more complex, complicated and delicate all rolled into one.  But I know as much as I want him, I cannot have him. Not in a million years, not in a million wishes.
Life will always be unfair. I guess this is my share of unfairness.  I thought I had met the love of my life with the previous one, but I don’t think any love story of mine could be as epic as this one.  As miserable and as excruciating for me to say this, at least I got the chance to be given life after death all over again, and to see with my eyes a new perspective of my journey. I never knew I could love this much, I never knew I could love limitless!

 Thank you fate, for at least giving me (although hurting me too) him.

The one that got away.

"I love you, H, even if the tears fall and my heart hates me"