Thursday, January 31, 2013

The End


The way I had anticipated, the way I had guessed it to be; our story of you and me, ended two nights ago, rather discreetly. It’s not rocket science to have figured out the way it would end; given the track record and the history I possess with guys, but somehow this goodbye hurts me more than the previous one when I said goodbye to Melbourne; the way I parted ways with Prague?

I am currently feeling rather down and gloomy. You could even go to the extent of using the word ‘depressed’, that would actually make more sense rather than using...’sad’. ‘Sad’ is such a basic word with such little impact to the heart when being uttered by others; not to mention being a three-lettered word which matches so well with the three-lettered word ‘COW’, ‘SAD COW’. Fine, fine. I am maybe that, too.

There are just too many things on my weak and hollow mind right now. Everything passed me by rather too fast and relatively too overwhelming; I just don’t know which one deserves my attention more. Priorities and options; they’re all sitting at the same level to me.

I guess I was blinded by all your promises, your talks, our laughter, our life stories to have not realised that all of this meant nothing more to you than where the line of friendship is drawn. You know, it isn’t fair; especially when we’ve left that boundary long ago; the day we made that pact. I am nothing more than a fool, a loser in this game of cards you hosted. Shame on me, shame on me.

I keep telling myself I won’t let my heart be played like this anymore, but unfortunately, I broke all of my promises and vows; and allowed you to come in; filling the vacancy in this shattered heart like an overflowing dam. I gave you this part of me I will never get back again, I gave you this piece of me that I’ve never given anyone; entrusted you with not only my heart but my soul too...and yet you spit me out like I was poison, like I was yesterday’s rotten apple.

Haven’t I given you enough love and provided a good comfort zone for you to be content with? Haven’t I cared enough? What have I done wrong? Where did I ever go wrong?

I just give up this time. I can’t fight for you anymore. This is not love, love isn’t supposed to bend your knees and make you not know your own worth. It shouldn’t leave you crying almost every night for something uncertain! If you really did love me, you would’ve spared me from all this guilt, this pain, this fear and all the insecurities I’ve always had and let me go, silently and quietly. You’re not my saviour, you’re not my best friend and you’re certainly not the man I thought you were!

You should’ve known that the tongue is sharper, swifter and inarguably the strongest weapon in this war of hearts! You should’ve known that unkept promises hurt worse than a million stabbings! You should’ve known of how fragile this heart of mine is, of how my trust issues have kept me in the confines of my own walls! You should’ve known better...and maybe I should’ve known better than to trust you this much.

I guess in the end, I was just a mere, cheap thrill to you. I was just a beating heart with flesh and skin to you, without feelings without sentiments.

Time makes this all harder, especially when your voice, your eyes and your touch make me weak in a split-second. But I can’t do this anymore, I can’t love someone who doesn’t appreciate me, who doesn’t even know I exist until he needs me. And most importantly, I can’t love someone because I’m only a mere need to him, and not something he wants; and that is exactly it. You’ve never wanted me in the first place; it was all a simple game to boost your ego, to make it your favourite pass time when you’re done with all your temporary getaways.

I guess it’s time to start picking myself up again alone, the way I always do. You tell me I’ll always be okay, that I’m stronger than any girl you know.

The irony of that statement; the same shit Prague and Melbourne said to me before they left. Hmm, I guess I really am just a weekend lover, a promising, temporary holiday you’d take when you want to.
I’m tired of having to face the catastrophic meltdown of my world, all alone.

I’m just so fucking tired.