Saturday, May 11, 2013

Love


12:00 am
12th May 2013

To move imaginary, self-defined mountains or to reconstruct our own personalised versions of Taj Mahal and Atlantis; is love supposed to do? To be able to narrate tales of similar endings such as Disney’s Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and The Beast? Or maybe to just fulfill the less sophisticated needs of a normal person; of being happy for a long period of time? Of course, one would argue that there isn’t such a thing as ‘being happy’ for a long time without the occasional rows/arguments and the crying-and-wailing-then-abrupt-hugging clich├ęd situation; there isn’t a single doubt in that.

Only I wonder, what is it or why is it that love is so important to us that society in general search high and low, under and over the rugs, deep into the darkest seas and high into the bluest skies; only to find that ultimate high? Maybe the whole idea of love discussed here is too broad or maybe too narrow; but it totally depends on the questions asked by the asker and pondered by the ponderer.  Like for myself, I am asking such general questions and of course, these notions are opened for further discussion and debates.

I am only introducing this motion as a means of trying to understand and comprehend the true meaning of ‘LOVE’. The question here still stands, what is it or why does it make people do such crazy things? After such a long time of being single and having (I would say) enough and sufficient time to re-think and re-analyse all my past mistakes, I have come to a solid conclusion that whatever ‘preconceived’ idea that I had about such an alien feeling should honestly be thrown out of the window.

Love is frankly something I have yet to understand. The dynamics of it, the true nature of it; its meaning itself is just something my heart and logic (still) can’t come to an agreement with. And what’s worse is that it doesn’t come with a ‘right/wrong’ instruction guide and so trying to keep my definitions and someone else’s definitions of it in line just wouldn’t make perfect sense.
Also before I forget, all those weird side-effects of it, too. The ones whereby sometimes it’s filled with jealousy and anger, and those insecurities you both have, those doubts about it. Big and MASSIVE headache triggers, yes.

But I guess because it’s such a vague idea, with such a broad and (also at the same time) narrow definition to it makes it all ever more interesting. Because it’s all those things you do not understand, you take the ride. It’s like a one-way ticket to some unknown island and the journey itself is just so, so unpredictable that you get and look forward to. And the weirdest part to me, is the fact that my definition changes, based on my outlook, goals and also the person who chooses to share this feeling with me.

My mother once told me, “Love is when someone loves you and wants you to be whatever you dream of. But TRUE LOVE is when someone loves you, wants you to chase your goals for your own sake, and at the same time reminds you to love yourself more than loving him; because you’re only beautiful if you love yourself more.” I think what she said makes sense, though to be truthful, after just so many relationships, I have now, (hopefully) found that one person who makes me feel the exact same thing mentioned earlier.

Though wise words, like I said earlier, very, very vague and broad in terms of laying out the other important fundamentals but narrow enough to make you understand that it is all about you (fixing whatever you have to) as an individual before you and your partner as a unit.

It’s getting late. I just needed to write just to see how badly I sound after not writing for….4 months?
Goodnight. I hope I didn’t talk too much
X

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The End


The way I had anticipated, the way I had guessed it to be; our story of you and me, ended two nights ago, rather discreetly. It’s not rocket science to have figured out the way it would end; given the track record and the history I possess with guys, but somehow this goodbye hurts me more than the previous one when I said goodbye to Melbourne; the way I parted ways with Prague?

I am currently feeling rather down and gloomy. You could even go to the extent of using the word ‘depressed’, that would actually make more sense rather than using...’sad’. ‘Sad’ is such a basic word with such little impact to the heart when being uttered by others; not to mention being a three-lettered word which matches so well with the three-lettered word ‘COW’, ‘SAD COW’. Fine, fine. I am maybe that, too.

There are just too many things on my weak and hollow mind right now. Everything passed me by rather too fast and relatively too overwhelming; I just don’t know which one deserves my attention more. Priorities and options; they’re all sitting at the same level to me.

I guess I was blinded by all your promises, your talks, our laughter, our life stories to have not realised that all of this meant nothing more to you than where the line of friendship is drawn. You know, it isn’t fair; especially when we’ve left that boundary long ago; the day we made that pact. I am nothing more than a fool, a loser in this game of cards you hosted. Shame on me, shame on me.

I keep telling myself I won’t let my heart be played like this anymore, but unfortunately, I broke all of my promises and vows; and allowed you to come in; filling the vacancy in this shattered heart like an overflowing dam. I gave you this part of me I will never get back again, I gave you this piece of me that I’ve never given anyone; entrusted you with not only my heart but my soul too...and yet you spit me out like I was poison, like I was yesterday’s rotten apple.

Haven’t I given you enough love and provided a good comfort zone for you to be content with? Haven’t I cared enough? What have I done wrong? Where did I ever go wrong?

I just give up this time. I can’t fight for you anymore. This is not love, love isn’t supposed to bend your knees and make you not know your own worth. It shouldn’t leave you crying almost every night for something uncertain! If you really did love me, you would’ve spared me from all this guilt, this pain, this fear and all the insecurities I’ve always had and let me go, silently and quietly. You’re not my saviour, you’re not my best friend and you’re certainly not the man I thought you were!

You should’ve known that the tongue is sharper, swifter and inarguably the strongest weapon in this war of hearts! You should’ve known that unkept promises hurt worse than a million stabbings! You should’ve known of how fragile this heart of mine is, of how my trust issues have kept me in the confines of my own walls! You should’ve known better...and maybe I should’ve known better than to trust you this much.

I guess in the end, I was just a mere, cheap thrill to you. I was just a beating heart with flesh and skin to you, without feelings without sentiments.

Time makes this all harder, especially when your voice, your eyes and your touch make me weak in a split-second. But I can’t do this anymore, I can’t love someone who doesn’t appreciate me, who doesn’t even know I exist until he needs me. And most importantly, I can’t love someone because I’m only a mere need to him, and not something he wants; and that is exactly it. You’ve never wanted me in the first place; it was all a simple game to boost your ego, to make it your favourite pass time when you’re done with all your temporary getaways.

I guess it’s time to start picking myself up again alone, the way I always do. You tell me I’ll always be okay, that I’m stronger than any girl you know.

The irony of that statement; the same shit Prague and Melbourne said to me before they left. Hmm, I guess I really am just a weekend lover, a promising, temporary holiday you’d take when you want to.
I’m tired of having to face the catastrophic meltdown of my world, all alone.

I’m just so fucking tired.