Sunday, May 27, 2012

Young, Hopeful and Heartbroken

27th of May 2012
12:35 am,
Misread-Kings of Convenience.

You never keep your promises. It’s always a constant game of tug-of-war with you; and my hands hurt too much already. I never know what you’re really up to. Sometimes I do regret that I’d stumbled upon your soft gaze that first time we met; you in your running shoes and me; enjoying the sweetness of doing nothing more than stare into the clear blue sky. You said ‘hi.’ I answered your greeting with a totally cold look; not wanting to engage any further in small talk with some random stranger who thinks electric yellow trainers were a perfect match to his neon blue running shorts. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and erase all the memories that haunt me. If only I could.

Can you please tell me where I went wrong; why you ran? I tried to catch up with you, God knows that I tried! But you never stopped and I never saw the light in your eyes the moment you turned for one last time to look at me; with that hateful expression decorating your facial features and your almost-contradicting body language. Your pleading eyes told me of the thousand secrets you had kept all this while and yet the mask you wore that sad night forced me to acknowledge the harsh reality right in front of me; you were leaving and I couldn’t do a single damn thing about it.

Those haunting and pleading eyes of yours; whenever I look into them I feel as if I was reaching deeper into your confused soul; even though I didn’t understand the underlying alien feelings that were lurking within. I remember clearly as if it was yesterday, you were packing your suitcase and dumping all your designer clothes, your favourite Paul Smith tie I got for you for your birthday. It was 9:30pm on a stormy Friday night. We had initially argued about which coffee brand was better and I ended up suggesting that we should start drinking tea instead. You got rather annoyed; telling me that they weren’t even in the same zip code.  One thing led to another and out of the blue, you started screaming for god knows what. I, being a typical egoistical creature myself, for sure, yelled right back. I don’t know what happened next but from what I remembered was that you started to just pack your bag all of a sudden, going on some rampage, saying ‘just sell off this bloody penthouse, throw away all the furniture and burn the piano; cause we’ll never raise any child here together anyways’.

There, right there. That was your confession out in black and white; my biggest fear. It was such a hard path; being together with you. From all of those crazy parties you attend, your wild nights out with all those unknown, drug-induced women in the skimpiest of clothes when I was home waiting, and your hardcore obsession over every new drug available on the streets to being hunted here and there when those gangsters came to find us for the money your partners took and couldn’t pay. I had gone through AND to hell for you throughout the past, gone against my parents, threw a total fit just to break-off my engagement with that Phillip guy you called a ‘combination between a clown and a hippopotamus’. You had broken my heart for just countless of times, made me cry till I could only bleed out tears. You promised me forever, you promised that you’d change. And you did, eventually; or at least in terms of providing me financial stability. You had managed to build the most successful accounting firm in the whole of Auresia in a short time and you were only 24 when everything fell into place. But that was the only thing that changed; your lifestyle wasn’t going anywhere near the word.

But you know, a girl wants to believe the guy she loves; a girl hopes. And that girl, was indeed me. I’d stood by you for the whole six years because I believed in you, and I’d never stopped believing. Remember the day you took me to that carnival to ride the Ferris wheel? You told me that you wanted me to be with you forever; told me that you wanted me to be by your side as you faced your world that was like the Ferris wheel, it has its ups and downs. Those were the days, you know? The days that I’d thought that you were the sweetest most honest person ever; that I was the luckiest to have those pair of strong arms to hold me close and never let me go. Ahh, memories. Precious, sweet, innocent, genuine, painful, sad memories with you.

My love, what did I do wrong to deserve all this? After that confession, I knew I had tears in my eyes and you had pain in yours.  We were both arguing the same way we always did, and we were back to where we started. We were fighting the way we used to, the way we came to know of each others’ flaws. You asked where your perfume was, I said it wouldn’t matter. You asked where were the rings, I told you that I’d threw them off the balcony when you were busy packing; a lie I shouldn’t have made up. I was sobbing uncontrollably; you were punching the mirrors, breaking down the cupboard doors. My heart shattered into pieces that night, I trembled with every step I took as I ran after you, trying to get to the front door to stop; you ran with only a small luggage bag, your 48 pairs of dress shoes were still in your side of the walk-in wardrobe.  I begged and pleaded, told you I’d change, promised you a million things I once did before; reminding you of what we've gone through and all the crap we used to take for one another. I stood quietly behind you, my shaking hands pulling weakly on your charcoal Zegna trench-coat; I was completely quiet. You turned around to look at me for the last time, your eyes full of emotions I knew too well of; albeit your angered face.

You  offered me one last embrace; kissing my forehead and rubbing off those big droplets of tears off my cheeks. You told me that we couldn’t ever be together no matter what we did, no matter how hard we tried; we were just gonna be the death of one another.  The sudden rainy night became even worse as I felt a cool breeze enter the room from the balcony. I felt my world was crumbling down again, all OVER again. It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair! Why is it that when I’d finally found love again, God was taking it away from me? I rebutted all your ugly words; your negative opinion and offered my point of view. I told you that I wouldn’t mind burning in hell for you, going through any sort of form of torture for you as long as you were by my side. ‘I love you! What other reason could there be?’ I screamed whenever you questioned my arguments. I saw you cry, I saw how it pained you to leave me at that very moment. Your ego was nowhere near the man I held in my arms, and for one last time, I knew the very figure that was in that house with me had genuinely loved me all this while; and would still love me from afar.

‘You don’t deserve any of this bull shit anymore, Amylia. I love you, God knows how much I love you but I can't. I am being unfair and selfish. I love you, my love. Don't you dare say I didnt and don't you dare think that I'll ever stop. You're my everything Amylia, but I'm sorry’ And with that and a long, goodbye kiss, you left me without looking back; as I saw for the very last time; the face of the only man I’d ever came to love in this lifetime.